White Houses
by Crittab
Summary: When Bella and Edward meet at university they can both feel the attraction. What's keeping Bella from letting Edward in? Can he help her overcome her past and find happiness? Rated M for eventual lemons. AU, AH. E/B R/Em, J/A.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters used in this story, Stephanie Meyer does. However, I do own my own delusions, which can be found throughout. Enjoy :)

**White Houses**

**EPOV**

Red, blue, yellow, white. Red, blue, yellow, white. Red, blue, yellow, white. I wasn't sure whether I was enthralled or unnerved by the monotony as I took my first slow drive through Mason Village. I was searching for "4-White", which I had been told by the registrar would be my abode for the duration of my first year at Wickham University.

Wickham was a moderately sized university in Maine. I couldn't say what made me decide to take the offer to go there, rather than to go to a more recognizable place like Stanford or NYU. I suppose it was just because it was unexpected. Everything else in my life had been anticipated and planned to the tee.

Mason Village was basically just a long street of houses just off campus. It had been built and paid for by a wealthy alumnus, Louis Mason, who had set it up to be a residence for first year students. The 'Village' as it was affectionately known around campus, boasted the opportunity to get to know your peers in a safe and comfortable independent home.

The street was narrow with houses lining each side in blocks of four. Each block had a red, blue, yellow and white townhouse, each house was tall and thin, and the rows were attached. At the end of each row was a small parking lot with four rows of parking, each with six spots. Mason Village was nothing, if not thorough.

After every block of houses, on the opposite side of the parking lot, was a smaller bungalow entitled, "House Parents", or, as they're more commonly known, residence attendants. They were older students who would essentially look after us and keep us in line. Each house had one parent, so one third year student to monitor six first years.

I pulled up to the block that had a large "4" brandished on a boulder sitting in the front lawn. Each group of four shared a common yard with picnic tables and a few big trees. The whole thing was very Stepford.

When I pulled into the parking lot I found the row of spots marked "white" and pulled in next to an old beater. I wasn't sure if I was pleased to find that I wasn't the first person here. I would have liked to get the lay of the land before meeting those who would become my house-mates for the year, but it was kind of reassuring to know that I wasn't just going to be walking into a big, empty house and waiting alone for strangers to fill it.

I shut off my car, also a beater. My parents were wealthy, but I opted not to flaunt that when I left for school. University students are notoriously poor, I didn't want to separate myself from them any more than necessary. I bought the car before leaving home, and picked it up upon arriving in Maine.

I opened the car door and breathed deeply. The air was crisp for September, and I hoped it was just a fluke. Coming from Southern California, I wasn't used to the cold, and I didn't relish the thought of winter in Maine. I hauled open my trunk and began unloading my bags when a massive human specimen appeared next to me. My natural instinct was to back away from the mammoth creature, but when my eyes finally found his face I was met with a wide grin, and dimples that could melt the heart of the most ruthless serial killer.

"Hey bro!" he greeted. His voice was booming, just about what you'd expect for someone of his stature. He had to be at least 6'5, and he was about the most muscular person I'd ever met. He grabbed my right hand roughly in his and shook it. "I'm Emmett McCarthy. You a whitey too?" he asked. I couldn't help but chuckle at his exuberance. It was settling. I felt some of my nerves flutter away.

"Yea, I guess you could say that." I shook his hand. "Edward Cullen."

"Well, Eddie. Looks like we're gonna be roomies!" he exclaimed. I shook away my irritation at being called "Eddie". Emmett was nice, but there was clearly room for improvement. "Hey, let me help you with those," he said, gesturing to my four bags. I smiled and nodded, grabbing two, while he took the other two and slammed my trunk shut before leading the way inside. I briefly took notice of a piece of paper on the door with seven names scribbled on it, six under the title "tenants" and one under the title "house parent".

I assumed the inside of the houses would look similar, just as the outside did, but Emmett assured me each one had its own special touches. He had gone around and introduced himself to the neighbours already. It didn't take long to realize that Emmett was just a really, _really_ friendly guy.

The foyer was small. It was a split entry with two sets of stairs, one leading up, and one down, while another set of stairs lead up once more from the second floor. On the second floor light spilled from the kitchen and living room that I could see bits of. Emmett led me to the stairs heading downward and I followed wordlessly.

"I set up in the basement," he told me. "I checked the place out. There are three rooms up and three down, but I know there are three girls coming, so I thought I'd take the basement. You know, spiders and all that. Girls love that chivalrous crap." I laughed. Emmett was turning out to be pretty cool. I hadn't met anyone quite like him before, going through fancy prep schools in So-Cal. He was refreshing.

I followed him into the basement and found a small hallway with two rooms on either side, and a closed door at the end of the hall. The first room on the left was the bedroom clearly claimed by Emmett, as the door held a small plaque declaring "Emmett's Lair". I chuckled at that before stealing into the room diagonally across the hall. The room across from me, next to Emmett's, was another sizable bathroom. I would have to explore the house when I got a chance.

Emmett set down my bags in the room I had claimed, and I set down the rest next to them. He swiftly made his way back out the door.

"I'll let you get set up. You want a sandwich or something? I'm freaking starving!" Of course he was. He looked like he probably needed an IV pumping nourishment 24/7 in order to run his tank of a body.

"That's alright. I'll make myself something later. Thanks man," I told him. He grinned back at me, that same wide, dimpled grin. I was sure the ladies upstairs wouldn't last long against him.

"Sounds good. Let me know if you need anything, Eddie," he said, retreating.

"It's Edward," I corrected. I could hear his booming laughter down the hall.

"Whatever you say, man!"

I shook my head, laughing lightly to myself. Well, the year wouldn't be boring, I could say that with relative certainty. I took the silence to gather myself and take in my surroundings. The room I had chosen was small, but I assumed they all would be. It had a window near the top of the wall with a ledge. The window didn't afford much light, one of the hazards of living in the basement. There was a small single bed against the right wall, with a desk next to it. The desk had a reading light and a couple of drawers.

There was a closet and a dresser, which I determined would be more than enough for my minimal needs. I was anxious to move past this room and size up the rest of the house. I hadn't gotten a good look at the kitchen and living room, but I assumed that's where I would spend most of my time. My room would be fine for studying and sleeping in, but it was hardly a 'living' space.

I heard the door upstairs open and shut a few times, and Emmett's booming voice welcoming two more people who quickly shuffled upstairs while I unpacked. I didn't want to be anti-social, but I wanted to get the unpacking out of the way. If there was one thing worse than packing, it was unpacking.

When I had successfully put all of my belongings away, I stacked my bags together. I stepped out into the hallway and pulled open the door at the end, pleased to find a sizable storage space with Emmett's bags already in the back corner.

As I was stowing mine, another guy stepped out into the hall with his bags, I stepped aside so he could put his in there as well.

"Hey," I greeted as he came to stand in front of me. I held out my hand, and he gave it a firm shake. I like a man with a good handshake. "Edward Cullen," I introduced myself.

"Jasper Whitlock, man. How's it goin?" he greeted.

"Not bad, man. How you likin' the Village?" I asked, we both headed toward the stairs chatting, when we heard Emmett yell, "We've got another one!".

"That Emmett guy..." I said, letting my sentence trail off. Jasper laughed whole heartedly. I could tell I'd like him.

"Yes," he agreed. "That Emmett guy." The two of us chuckled as we headed up to help the newest tenant move in.

* * *

**BPOV**

"I can't believe we're doing this. Why are we doing this, Alice?" I cried, sitting in the passenger's seat of Alice's car and holding on for dear life. I'd had years to get used to Alice's driving style, but I could never really get rid of that fear for my life I had every time she broke the sound barrier.

"Because it'll be a good experience! And you needed to get out of Forks, Bella. Seriously. Besides, I'm so glad you're coming with me to Wickham. It just wouldn't be the same without you," she said with a smile. Alice was always so positive. I wish I could have a piece of her confidence.

We'd been driving for a couple of days, stopping at motels along the way. Charlie, my dad, had offered to pay for airplane tickets so we could fly from Washington to Maine, but Alice insisted that we drive. She wanted to take that big, adventurous cross-country road trip after high school, and decided that this would be the perfect way to do it. I went along with her just because that's what I always did. Alice was the idea-maker, I was just her trusty companion. That dynamic worked for me, since I couldn't be bothered to care.

Charlie had been hesitant to let me go, after all of the issues I had faced through high school. But when Alice announced that she was moving clear across the country for university, I just didn't know how I'd continue to cope without her. I couldn't go to school in Seattle with her in Maine, so I decided to go with her. It took me a little work, but I finally convinced Charlie that it would be good thing for me to get out of Forks, or, as Alice liked to call it, the 'scene of the crime'. Her statement was, in actuality, quite literal.

I felt bad leaving my dad all alone, but I think he was just glad to see me excited for something, for the first time in three years. He actually told me that he was glad to see me smiling again, as he hugged me goodbye. It made me shiver, to realize that my dad had actually been privy to my darkest days, even when I thought I'd been fooling him.

I put on a brave face at the beginning of our trip, but once we cleared the Maine state line, I felt my stomach begin to do flops. What was I thinking? We were going to a school way too far away for my cop dad to rescue me. We were living in this damn "Mason Village" that Alice couldn't stop raving about, and what's more, three of our roommates would be guys. Guys! How on earth did I let Alice talk me into this?

I tried to settle my breathing as she pulled onto the street. It was like its own gated community just off campus, with a big sign reading "Mason Village" overhead. It was a long street with rows of houses on either side. The row closest to the door was the last one, I assumed, marked "30" by a large rock outside. We were searching for "4" which was almost at the very end, on the right hand side. Alice pulled into the marked parking lot for the "white" house (ha! We were living in the white house... my dad and I had shared jokes about that before I left).

We hauled ourselves out of the car, and were almost immediately bombarded by a mammoth creature. I instinctively took a step back and felt for my pepper spray in my coat pocket. Alice, friendly as ever, bounded over to him with a big grin, holding out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Alice!" she greeted. He grabbed her hand and shot her an incredible smile. I have to admit, his dimpled face hardly seemed like that of a sadistic serial killer. I took my hand off the weapon.

"I'm Emmett McCarthy. I take it you two lovely ladies are whiteys, like me?" he asked. Alice nodded exuberantly and the two began to make conversation while they pulled our bags out of the car. I could immediately draw comparisons between Emmett and Alice. It was like they were twins separated at birth... if you ignored their stature. While Emmett was a massive human being, Alice barely made it to 5 ft. I made fun of her about it, even though I wasn't terribly tall myself, at 5'4. I began pulling out some bags, when Emmett turned to me.

"And what's your name?" he asked. I tried to relax. He seemed nice enough, if a bit overbearing.

"Bella Swan," I answered, allowing him to grab my hand. His grip was pretty tight. I had to flex my hand when he released it.

He and Alice talked as they both grabbed some bags and headed inside. I grabbed a few more and brought up the rear while Emmett led us inside.

"We guys took the rooms downstairs. We thought you might like to have the upstairs rooms," he said, heading up the first staircase and turning onto the next. I wasn't looking forward to climbing two sets of stairs every time I wanted to get to my room. Oh well... I guess I couldn't avoid exercise forever.

"That's nice of you," Alice said. I could tell she was excited about everything. Her already high voice gets a few pitches higher when she's really excited. Emmett set the bags he was carrying down in the hall and walked back to the stairs.

"I'll get the rest of your bags for you girls and leave you to settle in," he said with a big smile. I appreciated his help. He was definitely making a good first impression.

"He's huge!" Alice commented, once he disappeared from our sight. I giggled a little.

"That's putting it lightly. The guy puts the green giant to shame." Alice grabbed her bags and slid them into the room nearest the stairs on the right. I decided to go for the room just next door to hers. There was another one across the hall next to a bathroom, and a storage closet at the end of the hall. It seemed like a perfectly functional floor.

Emmett came back up and set the rest of the bags on the landing before offering sandwiches. We both politely declined and set to work unpacking. I finished rather quickly, and decided to help Alice out. Of the six bags between us, four of them belonged to her. I had no doubt that at least half of my closet would become home to her shoes.

We finished up Alice's room just as the door was opening and another person was being welcomed. We both decided to go downstairs and meet the new tenant. He was a tall blond guy, and I knew right away that Alice was smitten. He had a charming southern drawl that drew you in, and a lovely smile. He introduced himself as Jasper.

A while later we heard another car pull in and poked our heads out so see if it was another "whitey". It was a covertible, filled to the brim with bags.

"We've got another one!" Emmett exclaimed, heading out. He had made himself the unofficial welcoming committee, but Alice and I decided to go out too. I, by nature, was antisocial, but Alice would never let me hide away.

Just as we stepped out the door, we saw Jasper coming up the stairs with someone I hadn't met yet on his tail. While Jasper and Emmett were both very attractive, neither of them had anything on this guy. He was long, lean, with incredible bronze hair. When he stepped outside I could see the sun reflecting off his deep green eyes, and I lost myself in them just a little bit. He grinned at me, and I immediately felt a little shaky.

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen," he said, holding out his hand to me. I let him shake my hand, still not really saying anything.

"Hi Edward," Alice said from behind me, grabbing his hand from mine and shaking it. I missed the feeling of his hand in mine. I couldn't tell you why. "I'm Alice, and this," she said, elbowing me, "Is Bella." I realized I hadn't introduced myself to him. I hoped I didn't look like a complete moron. He just kept grinning that beautiful grin and looked between us.

"Nice to meet you Alice," he looked to me, "Bella." His lips looked so perfect forming my name. His voice was like butter. I had to snap out of it.

Luckily, there was a distraction. Emmett came back up to the group, hauling two massive bags.

"Hey guys, we could use your help," he said, gesturing toward the car. Standing beside it applying lip gloss was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen in person. She had long flowing blond hair, a gorgeous face, and a body that gave me a bit of a girl crush. Behind her, her car was practically overflowing with bags.

"Who is she?" Alice asked.

"Rosalie Hale," Emmett said, with a bit of a grin. Well, I guess I couldn't blame him for wanting to tap that... I certainly did. We all got the hint right away and headed to the car to help carry in all of Rosalie's worldly possessions.

* * *

**A/N:** Just so you know, Wickam is a fictional university, so unfortunately you can't stay in Mason Village. If anyone has ever been to Newfoundland, they have these row houses that are how I'm picturing the residences, feel free to google "Newfoundland Row Houses" to get a visual.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts!

Christie


	2. Chapter 2

**EPOV**

Once everyone had moved in, I headed back down to my room to have a look at the frosh itinerary that had been given to me when I checked into the rez. They had given us most of the day to move in, and had a mandatory orientation scheduled for 7 that evening. I looked up when a knock came at my open door. Emmett popped his head in.

"Hey man, we're thinking of getting some pizza so we can have a bite and get to know each other before orientation. You want anything special?"

"Just cheese is fine for me," I responded. He broke out in a wide grin.

"Yes!" he exploded. I looked at him quizzically. I had gotten used to his outbursts, but pizza seemed like a strange thing to get excited about.

"Man, this is perfect! You and the two brunette chicks want cheese, me, Jasper, and the hot blond want meat lovers..." I continued to fail to see the point. "Don't you get it man!? The way people like their pizza says everything about them! This group was like, destined to be together or something. We're fucking in sync!" Emmett turned and launched himself from the door and back up the stairs, yelling about our community spirit. I couldn't help but laugh at his logic. I hadn't considered that the fates might work through pizza, but why the heck not? I had a feeling I'd get a lot of new ideas from that guy.

I folded up my intinerary and stuck it in my pocket before following him up the stairs. I knew what was on it, but I'm a control freak, I needed it there for my own comfort.

About 20 minutes later a knock came at the front door. Emmett bounded to the front door with six 'fives' in his hand, each of our contributions to dinner. I was sitting in the kitchen chatting with Jasper, and we could hear him enthusiastically making some comment to the delivery guy, congratulating him for making it in less than 30 minutes, as advertised. Jasper and I chuckled together. Emmett was already everyone's best friend.

We heard the door close before Emmett called up the stairs to the girls and then came into the kitchen with dinner. The smell of pizza began wafting through the space, and I suddenly realized how hungry I was. The adrenaline of moving day had kept my mind off my stomach, but at 5:30 it finally caught up with me.

The three girls filed in while we were opening the boxes and setting out paper plates and cups. I took on the job of server and cut everyone out their specified piece, before following them into the living room where they'd all congregated. The two brunette girls, Alice and Bella, had taken up on the couch, while Jasper sat in a recliner next to them. Emmett was snuggled onto the loveseat that he was much too big for, next to Rosalie. It was immediately clear to both Jasper and myself that he had made his claim on the girl he wanted. I tried not to roll my eyes at him before sitting next to Alice at the end of the couch.

"So," Emmett boomed. I saw Rosalie jump a little. Being the last to arrive, she'd had the least time to acclimate herself to his exuberance. "We've got about an hour and half before orientation. What'dya say we get to know each other a little?" The group shrugged and nodded our agreement, we could see Emmett's excitement. I think everyone was just generally amused by him, and were waiting to see what he would say or do next.

"Alright, who wants to go first?" he asked. The room was silent, everyone looked around. He rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'll go first!" I settled back into my seat to listen to Emmett's story. I was genuinely interested in finding out how this particular gang of people had come to Wickham.

"So, I'm Emmett McCarthy, like you don't know. I'm from Michigan," he started. I listened intently to his tale. He had originally intended to go to Michigan State, but was offered a football scholarship from Wickham, and didn't want to pass it up. He was, go figure, top jock, prom king, but he didn't really give off that vibe. When he confided that he was also captain of the drama club, everyone chuckled a bit. I could just imagine him booming his way through Romeo and Juliet, and fidgeting while playing dead.

He finished up with his major, liberal arts. When he was done, he looked to his left at Rosalie. She cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter. It wasn't lost on anyone that she knew exactly how beautiful she was, and that she was more than a little ego-centric. But, to be fair, she seemed like a nice chick anyway.

"Umm, I'm Rosalie Hale. I'm from Florida," she began. Head cheerleader? Check. Prom queen? Check. Class President? Check. Captain of the auto-club? What? I have to admit, I listened a little more closely when she began talking about cars. I listened with rapt attention when she gave a passionate re-telling of her rebuild of a 1982 Ford Mustang that she gave to her dad for his birthday. I had seriously misjudged this girl. I glanced at Emmett, and, no word of a lie, he was drooling. She had come to Wickham for their Psychology program, and wanted to be a child psychologist. It seemed like a noble choice.

Next was Jasper.

"Jasper Whitlock," he said with a little wave. He spoke with a thick southern drawl that immediately put everyone at ease. I saw Alice out of the corner of my eye leaning forward as he spoke. "I'm from Texas, as you can probably tell." Everyone chuckled lightly. The rest of his story wasn't so predictable though. He was an army brat, having moved around for most of his early life. His dad passed away when he was 10, and his mom moved them back to Texas to be with family. He wasn't super-popular in high school, but he did have plenty of friends. People naturally liked him, and I could see why. He was just a very genuine, pleasant seeming guy. I knew right away that we would get along. His major was agricultural studies. I had no idea what that was, but I had no doubt he'd be good at it.

After Jasper, it was my turn. I looked around the room, slightly uncomfortable with everyone's attention suddenly being on me, but I sucked it up and launched into my story. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to divulge about my wealth, so I decided just to stick to the basics and told them about my upbringing in Southern California. I mentioned that my dad was a Neurosurgeon and my mom was an Architect. They all seemed interested in my schooling, having gone to a fairly elite private school. I was captain of the debate team, valedictorian. My main and only sport was horseback riding—Bella seemed impressed by that. She smiled a little wider when I talked about my horse, Izzy. Her smile was truly beautiful.

I mentioned that I was taking business with a major in Marketing, hoping to work in advertising. I then passed it along to Alice, eager to get the attention off of me. She launched in with an exuberance that nearly matched Emmett's.

"Hi everyone! I'm Alice Brandon," she said with a big smile. Her very presence could put a smile on your face. "I'm from Forks." Everyone looked at her quizzically, and she and Bella chuckled to each other. "It's a small town in Washington. And when I say small, I don't mean, oh, 20 thousand people... I mean, about a thousand. Okay, so I was born and raised in Forks, and Bells and I have been best friends since we could breathe. And yes, I mean that very literally. We were born on the same day!" I was intrigued. Anyone who can keep a strong friendship for that long had to have some great qualities.

I wanted to hear all about Alice, but I couldn't wait for her to pass it along to Bella. She had been so quiet all day, I could barely imagine her voice. Alice went on to talk about her own clubs and sports, although, the opportunities for those things were limited in their small town. She spent most of her life getting into trouble with Bella. She was at Wickham to major in business administration, with hopes of opening her own boutique. Having the same major, I imagined Alice and I would have a lot of classes together.

When she passed it along to Bella, I felt a small knot form in my stomach. I wasn't sure what it was about Bella that gave me such an immediate attraction, but I had never felt anything like it before.

She began speaking, and I let go of a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Her voice was soft, very level, one could almost call it a monotone. But there was something behind it, a musical quality that drew me in. I couldn't tear my eyes from her while she recounted her tale.

"Umm, I'm Bella Swan, as you know. Uh yea, I'm not really sure what to say that you don't already know," she laughed lightly at herself before continuing on. "Yea, born and raised in Forks. My mom passed away when I was about four, so it's just been me and my dad for as long as I can remember. He's awesome, he's about the best dad I could hope for.

"Umm... I write a lot. English has always been my favourite subject, so I guess that's why I'm majoring in it now. I read all of the time—classics, lots of Jane Austin, Charlotte Bronte, Shakespeare and the like. I mean, yea... I don't have a whole lot left to say," she said with a final nod. I disagreed. There was so much more I wanted to know about her. Which of your parents gave you your beautiful brown eyes? What's your favourite colour? Favourite snack? Favourite movie? Do you like action movies? Are you single?

Yes... I would definitely have to find out if she was single.

The conversation began to flow easily around the room once everyone had introduced themselves. We, as a group, seemed to get along very well. I could tell everyone seemed to be at ease now that the introductions were over and we could see where everyone stood. It was kind of unnerving, living with strangers.

When it was about 10 to 7 we all got our shoes on and headed over to the gymnasium together for orientation. The purpose for Mason Village was so first years could make friends, and, from what I could tell, it was more than achieving its goal. As I walked with Bella on one side and Jasper on the other I silently thanked Louis Mason, whoever he was, for giving me the opportunity to meet these people.

**BPOV**

The gymnasium was packed and extremely loud when we filed in. We all took seats in the back row of chairs. We were packed in like sardines, and I could feel Edward next to me. He was warm. I fought my inner temptation to lean into him. I didn't really know him, aside from what he'd mentioned over dinner. Although, I had to admit, his story about his horse was enough to melt my heart a little. He had a beautiful voice, seemed very confident. He was insanely handsome, way out of my league. I wouldn't bother entertaining thoughts about being with him. He was obviously a lady-killer, with his panty-dropping smile, velvety voice, and natural swagger. Besides, I wasn't interested in a boyfriend anyway. In fact, that was exactly the _opposite_ of what I wanted. I just wished my speeding heart would get the memo.

When someone finally stepped up to the podium, I forced my attention onto them and away from Edward. It was a young guy at the mic, probably a fourth year.

"Welcome to Wick U, everyone!" the guy called. There were some whoops and hollers around the room. He spoke again when the place quieted. "Alright, so, I'm Felix. I'm the head house parent around here, and am also the house parent for 13 Yellow. I'm just going to give you guys a rundown of what it means to be a part of Mason Village.

"First, and most importantly, each house has a house parent. You've heard of residence attendants, well, that's what we are. We're here to help you out. If someone gets sick, if you're lost, if you lose your key, whatever the case may be, you call us. Also, if you're having an issue with a roommate, you can call us and we'll help you work it out.

"Second, room assignments. They're non-negotiable, you are where you are unless you can come up with a legitimate complaint. As you know, getting into the Village is first come first serve, so if you're really unhappy with your lot, you're welcome to give up your room and move into the regular rez on campus. I'm sure there are dozens of people willing to take your place.

"Third, Mason Village is a dry campus." Groans and boo's could be heard throughout the room. Felix held up his hands to silence the place. "Yea, yea, I know. But we happen to be fully aware that none of you are legal yet, so booze is a no-go. We operate on a three-strike system, so if you're caught with booze three times, you get kicked out of Mason Village, simple as that."

"How the hell will you know?" some smart-ass in the crowd yelled. Felix chuckled.

"I'm glad you ask, that brings us to point number four. We do random house-checks once a month. The checks are carried out by your House parent. You wont know when they're coming, so it's best to be prepared. If booze or any substance is found in a common room, the whole house gets a strike. If it's found in someone's room, that person gets docked.

"Now, the final point, on a lighter note—every two months we have a block party. This is an outdoor barbeque that everyone is invited to. That gives you a chance to get to know the other tenants in the Village, and to unwind a bit. College is stressful, as I'm sure you'll all come to find, so you'll be appreciating the parties when they come along. The first one will be hosted by the House parents from Block 6 in about two weeks time. You'll all get notice in advance.

"So, I'm sure you're all sick of listening to me talk, so now we're going to ask you all to return to your houses. Your house parents will meet you there and give you their own rundowns and answer any questions you may have.

"Welcome to Mason Village everyone. I hope we can help make your first year here at Wick U a memorable one."

When Felix finished up, the whole room burst out into conversation. Our pack from 4-White gathered together and slipped out the door to head back to our house.

"Fuck, no booze?" Emmett cried once we cleared out. I rolled my eyes. He was quite the character. I assumed if anyone from our group would have an issue with that stipulation, it'd be him. The rest of us quietly let him rant while we walked. He finally quieted when we were within hearing distance of our front doorstep, where a tall, muscular, tan skinned guy was standing. He wore a simple black shirt and jeans, and had a smile white enough to blind you if you looked directly at it.

"Hey 4-White!" he exclaimed as we made it to him. "I'm Jake, your house parent." We had gathered that, but he seemed nice enough. He led us inside and we all took a seat in the living room.

"Okay, so, I'm Jacob Black, you can call me Jake. Let me just tell you basically what I am to you. If you have any problems, you can talk to me, if you're sick, come find me. Basic day-to-day stuff that you can't figure out on your own, I'm here for ya. If I can't help you, I know who can, so please, don't hesitate to call.

"Alright, so, first things first. Dry campus? Whatever. I'll give you guys two days notice before your "random house check" to take care of whatever I'm not supposed to see." The group chuckled. Jake immediately seemed like a cool guy. "And, you know... there _may _be a small hole dug out in the backyard with a cover over it that _might_ be big enough to store something about the size of a twelve pack. But don't worry, I don't know about it, because I _didn't_ live here in my first year, andI _most certainly _didn't dig the hole myself."

"I like you, Man," Emmett said. I grinned. Emmett was predictable, but I liked predictability. Unpredictable people had a tendency to disappoint me. Jake chuckled.

"Look, I don't care what you guys do, just, you know, be respectful of each other and of the rest of the residents. Don't be too loud, don't be obnoxious. Just, be nice and no one should have a problem, alright?" Everyone nodded their agreement. His rules didn't seem to be too hard to follow. I was sure there wouldn't be any problems from our group, everyone seemed pretty easy-going. Except Rosalie, but I doubted she'd risk relocation to the regular dorms.

"Does anyone have any questions?" Jake asked. I looked around, and no one seemed to have anything to say. Jake pulled himself out of the seat. "Alright then. I'll let you guys go for the night. Have a look at some of the frosh activities guys, it's a good way to get to know everyone, and they're really fun."

We all stayed in the living room while Jake let himself out. I was feeling much more at ease after getting to know everyone and learning the rules for living in the Village. I felt my nerves from that morning begin to dissipate. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

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**A/N:** Thanks for reading guys. And remember, reviews are super-motivating, so you'll probably get more chapters faster if you leave a note :)


	3. Chapter 3

**EPOV**

During our first week at Mason Village, a few things happened simultaneously.

One, Jasper and Alice were automatically joined at the hip. It was very clear to everyone that those two were entirely off-limits. Although Alice was more than crush-worthy, she seemed to take an immediate liking to our resident cowboy. She didn't try to cover it up or play coy, which I respected. She was very clear, "This is what I want from you, and I intend to get it." I'm not sure Jasper really ever had a chance against the little pixie. She was charming but dangerous. He was irrevocably hooked as soon as she batted her eyes in his direction.

Two, the entire house was subjected to Emmett and Rose's twisted game of cat and mouse. It was sickeningly apparent that they both wanted to fuck each other like bunnies, but Rose kept Emmett waiting. She'd build him up, and shut him down. We could all see her game—I think even Emmett could see her game. He would come downstairs at the end of every day with stars in his eyes, make some gag-worthy comment about "That woman..." and then retire to "Emmett's Lair" to think up new strategies. The sexual tension between the two of them made the rest of us want to jump in a vat of acid. But, to be fair, they were both a lot of fun to be around. They just needed to start banging, or else someone was going to get hurt.

Three, I had been completely unable to make any sort of progress whatsoever with Bella. She avoided me all the time. When I tried to make conversation, all I could get out of her were one word answers, in a tiny voice that you'd have to have a hearing aid to actually make out. I wish I knew what her problem was. For some reason, her complete lack of interest in me just made me all the more interested. I wanted to know everything about her, and I just couldn't get her to talk.

That first week I really fought to get into Bella's head, and it just didn't happen. I'd occasionally try talking to her around Alice, but then Alice would monopolize the conversation. I suppose I couldn't complain, at least then it wasn't like talking to a wall. Alice was a sweetheart, lots of fun, and I definitely liked her, I just wanted a chance to talk to Bella. On the rare occasion I got Bella alone, she would find an excuse to slip away before I could really get into a conversation with her. It was extremely frustrating.

I'm not sure why I continued to try to get Bella's attention, despite her obvious disinterest in me. Maybe it's that whole 'guys like a challenge' thing. I never thought I was one of those guys, but then, truthfully, I'd never really had to work very hard before. Girls pretty much gave me whatever I wanted. I know that sounds conceited, but growing up in So-Cal, the girls gave it up like it was nothing anyway. I didn't take advantage of that, having had only two girlfriends throughout high school, but it was still very clear that I could have had whoever I wanted whenever I wanted them.

So the situation with Bella was completely new to me, and it intrigued me. Perhaps she was just playing hard to get? No, that really didn't seem like her. Bella didn't strike me as the kind of girl to play games. I knew very well that had she been anyone else I would have given up quickly, but there was just something about her. Some unnameable, indescribable thing that kept me totally hooked.

By the time the first day of classes came around, I had only managed a few mumbled conversations with her, and I was aching for more. By that time I'd managed to form very good friendships with everyone else in the house, so I was sure that it wasn't just me being a freak. I hoped that as the semester went on and she relaxed, she would eventually come out of her shell a little more. Well... I could only hope.

My relationships with the rest of my house mates went much more smoothly. Alice was a ton of fun, always coming up with something fun for us all to do. I could tell she was used to being the mastermind, because Bella never really seemed to have any ideas about anything. I mean, I'm sure she did, but she never actually spoke up about them.

Emmett was always right there with Alice. The two were definitely cut from the same cloth, and they were an absolutely hilarious team. Occasionally I'd watch Bella in the background of one of Emmett and Alice's brainstorming sessions, silently laughing and shaking her head. She had a beautiful smile, I just wished I could be the one to bring it out of her.

Jasper was my best friend in the house, immediately. He was just a very cool guy. He would listen to anything I had to say, and actually came back with intelligent responses. He didn't say a whole lot, but when he did say something, it was usually very intuitive. I liked him a lot.

Rose was a tough nut to crack, but a few days in we did manage to have our first true heart-to-heart. We did have one thing in common, and that was the fear of people being put off by our wealth. She was the only person who I told about my wealth, and she seemed to understand why I wanted to keep it a secret. Being wealthy didn't actually change either of us in any way, but people tended to prematurely judge us based on their preconceived notions. She promised not to say anything about it to our other house mates, and I trusted her. She was a pretty cool girl, even if she had bitch-tendencies.

The first day of classes I was insanely nervous. I had spent all of high school listening to teachers say, "You think this is hard? Wait until you get to college!" I had this image in my head of an angry old man with a switch, writing massive equations on a blackboard that covered the entire room... Or of a crusty old women sneering at all of the first years, threatening us with a lifetime of shame and poverty if we dared to miss a class... or of some half old man, half old woman hybrid springing a pop-quiz worth 50% of our grade on us in the first class.

I suppose, looking back, my impressions of college were a little warped.

In actuality, my first class was pretty awesome. I had Intro to Business with a relatively young female professor. Alice was in that class with me, so we took seats together near the middle of the classroom and listened with rapt attention as the prof delivered my first lecture of university. She was so passionate about what she was teaching, and so charismatic, it made me immediately proud of my decision to attend Wickham. If Professor Lahey was any indication, I assumed I would get through my degree with a smile on my face.

When I walked out of that class, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Suddenly the university experience was put into perspective, and while I had no doubts that I would have stressful days ahead of me, I was put at ease with the understanding that it wasn't all fire and brimstone post-secondary.

Alice and I parted ways after that first class, and I found myself alone in my mandatory Intro to Psychology class. I had always been miserable at sciences, so I was more than a little scared of what I would learn. As it turned out, it was much like business. Not the subject matter, but the professor was so enthusiastic that it immediately sparked my curiosity.

My teachers in high school had never cared like this about their subjects. I suppose that's the difference between someone teaching a generic discipline, and someone teaching their favourite thing in the world.

I went back to 4 White after my first day with a whole new perspective on college, feeling pumped to get onto the next day.

**BPOV**

Once Jake had left on that first night, the group hung around the living room for a bit chatting before everyone retired to their respective rooms. Moving day had been exhausting for us all, and I think every one just wanted to have a good sleep, and get accustomed to their new bedrooms.

I slid into my room around 11:30, with Alice hot on my heels. I watched her as she closed the door behind her and dramatically leaned against it with a heavy sigh.

"I'm in love," she announced. I chuckled. It certainly hadn't escaped me that she couldn't keep her eyes off Jasper ever since she first saw him that afternoon.

"Jasper?" I asked.

"No, Edward!" she exclaimed. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Had I really been so focused on Edward all day that I had missed her appraising him as well?

"Umm... really? Edward?" I asked. I hoped I didn't sound too disappointed. I didn't technically have any claim over him. She rolled her eyes.

"No, it's Jasper. But at least now I know where _you_ stand," she said with a sly grin, slinking over and plopping down onto my bed. Mean trick.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, sitting next to her. She giggled.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. You know I can read you like a cheap Harlequin. You were checking that boy out like he was water in the desert." I bit my lip and laid back on the bed and she fell back next to me. The little single bed barely fit our two tiny bodies.

"I was not," I said, petulantly. "Besides, I wouldn't be interested anyways." My eyes were trained on the ceiling. I heard her groan next to me.

"Ugh, Bella. Don't do this, not here." I turned to look at her.

"Don't do what?"

"This!" she exclaimed, gesticulating wildly. "We're not in Forks anymore. Hell, we're not even in Washington. You need to get over this and move on." I shut my eyes tightly.

"Geography makes no difference, Alice. You _know_ I don't want a boyfriend, or anything of the sort." She sat up and looked down at me, irritation clear in her expression.

"Bella, you're 18, you're in college. You can't ship yourself off to the nunnery just because of..."

"I don't want to talk about it," I cut her off mid-sentence. I didn't want to hear it. I'd heard it too many times from her, and I was sick of it. She crossed her arms tightly and I could see the muscles in her jaw working as she clenched her teeth behind closed lips. Angry Alice was never a good thing, but she knew better than to bring _this_ up, especially now, on our first day in a new place. "Please, just drop it." She continued to seethe. I sat up and put my hand on her crossed arms. "Please?" I let the irritation melt out of my voice, and she softened a bit. "Jasper seems nice."

Ha! The diversionary tactic worked! Alice uncrossed her arms and a grin spread across her face. She dramatically flopped onto her back.

"Oh my god, Bella. He's like the Rhett Butler to my Scarlett O'Hara!" she exclaimed. I chuckled. I always loved her flagrant disregard for the true meaning of the classics.

"He is pretty cute."

"Cute?! Bella, a panda bear is cute. Jasper is fucking hot. He's like Brad Pitt and Frank Sinatra rolled into a perfect piece of man meat!"

"He's a cowboy," I said with a terrible southern accent. Alice had always had a thing for cowboys, probably because ne'er a cowboy could be found in the Pacific Northwest.

"A cowboy? Try a perfectly toned, hued, and smelling, impeccably well-formed and mannered _southern gentlemen._ He puts Matthew McConaughey to shame." I burst into laughter. Alice, regardless of how annoying she could occasionally be, always managed to bring a smile to my face.

We stayed in my room for a little while longer, talking about Jasper and the rest of our house mates. Although, Alice knew better than to bring Edward up again, she gave a passing, "He seems really nice," before moving down the line to Emmett. I was glad that she seemed to drop the subject. It was hard enough to get past the initial attraction without having to hear her try to convince me to break my rules.

Around midnight she pulled herself out of my bed and made her way to the door. She opened it, and turned to look at me, her expression a little more serious.

"You know I love you," she said. I nodded.

"I love you too." She sighed heavily.

"Then don't get mad at me, okay?" I rolled my eyes, knowing what was coming. "Just... don't discount him so soon. He seems like a really decent guy, Bells." I shook my head.

"Goodnight, Alice." She offered a sad smile.

"Night, honey." She closed the door behind her, and left me to sit in my bed and ponder her words.

As hard as it was to fight off Alice, it was even harder to fight off Edward. As the week progressed, I found I could go nowhere, and do nothing without him being there. He was constantly trying to talk to me, get to know me, be my friend—and while I knew that he was just being friendly, it made it incredibly hard to stop the feelings that were welling up inside of me. When I constantly had to look at his face, I couldn't stop myself from appreciating his chiselled bone structure, gorgeous green eyes, and mop of unruly "sex hair". He made me want him in a way that I hadn't felt in years, if ever. It wasn't a fair fight.

I knew I was being rude to him by ignoring him, or by giving him monosyllabic answers, but I was just so scared of actually letting him in. I was afraid that if I became friends with him, like I had become with the rest of the tenants, that I would slip up and let him convince me to be with him.

The mere fact that I was even considering that he would want me should have told me that I was totally insane. I was plain, at best, and he was... well... decidedly _not_ plain. He was probably just trying to be nice to me because we were roommates. He was equally as nice to everyone else, it was just silly that I was entertaining thoughts that he might actually want more.

But then, it didn't always seem so strange. Sometimes I caught him looking at me, and there was just something there in his eyes that made my breath catch. He seemed singularly focused on earning my friendship, and I wished I had an explanation for it that would suffice, moreso than just 'being friendly'. He didn't seem like he was just being friendly, but then, he didn't seem to have any negative motives either.

I was curious, but I was also afraid, so I kept my distance and let Alice deflect the conversation whenever he tried to turn it onto me. It was cowardly, but I didn't know what else to do.

If I ignored the "Edward Factor", as I had come to call it in my own head, the rest of the first week in Mason Village was great. Alice had made it her mission to ensure that Rosalie didn't feel like the odd-girl-out, so we had lots of girl time up on our floor, complete with makeovers (kill me, please), and, worse, "Bella Barbie" nights. Rosalie and Alice hit it off because of their mutual love of fashion and beauty products. Like usual, I just went along with whatever Alice wanted to do. Life was much less complicated when I didn't actually have to plan things out for myself.

Getting to know the guys was little harder for me, but I made a conscious effort not to be too much of a freak around them. Rosalie had confided in us girls that she was really into Emmett, so I was nice to him for her sake. He was kind of a big teddy bear anyway, I felt pretty safe with him. I even told my dad about him, putting his mind at ease that I would have a mammoth protector while away at Wickham where Dad couldn't protect me himself. He seemed appeased by that.

Jasper was really nice, and I was automatically at ease with him—which was rare for me, to be at ease around a man. He just had a way of calming me down. I can't really explain it, he was just a very relaxing force in the house. He even managed to keep Emmett and Alice from becoming overbearing, which was an incredible feat in itself.

By the time the first day of classes came I had fallen into comfortable friendships with everyone. Well... everyone except Edward, not for lack of trying on his part. I knew I would eventually have to snap out of it and be nice to him like I was to everyone else, but I just didn't know how to turn off my feelings of both infatuation and unadulterated fear.

My first class was a blast. It was a creative writing course, and I was immediately excited for all of the projects and reports we would write. Writing was an escape for me—no matter what was going on in my life, or how crazy I was, I could always get lost with a pen and paper. In fact, I had been writing a lot since I met Edward. It wasn't anything about him, no silly 'diary' sort of thing, just a story. A story that would allow me to escape my own reality and get lost in someone else's for a while.

When that first day was over, the whole house was abuzz. Everyone was psyched about their first day. Well, except for Emmett, who for some reason thought his elective, Biology, would be about boobies. Rosalie gave him a good smack for that one. When the first day was over, the girls and I elected to make dinner for everyone, and Emmett came back with a bottle of cheap wine to celebrate the official start to our college careers. My ears perked up when I heard Edward ask him about it.

"How is it that you don't get carded?" he asked. Emmett laughed his exuberant laugh and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey man, would _you_ card me?" He had a point. I certainly wouldn't stand between a 6'5, 220 pound man and his booze. Edward's response mirrored my sentiment, which made me laugh despite myself. I lowered my head to hide the grin, and began focusing way too hard on mixing the salad.

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**A/N:** I'd like to welcome all of my return readers from "I Hate You with an Insurmountable Passion!" I love you guys, thanks so much for jumping on this ride with me :)

And, of course, welcome, and thanks for reading to all of my new readers as well. I very much appreciate all of your comments, they're very motivating. I hope you liked this, there's lots more on the way!

Let me know what you thought.

Christie


	4. Chapter 4

**EPOV**

The evening of our first day of classes was a lot of fun. The wine was flowing, and everyone was just feeling good. Even Bella seemed to loosen up a bit. I could actually hear her when she spoke, for a change. I assumed she had just been shy and needed time to come out of her shell.

When Emmett showed up with the wine, I couldn't help but laugh. He had been the only one opposed to the booze ban, but I guess I really hadn't expected him to be so adept at acquiring the liquor.

"How is it that you don't get carded?" I asked. He just laughed and smacked my shoulder—it hurt.

"Hey man, would _you_ card me?" he asked with a wide grin. He definitely had a point. He was an imposing character for sure.

"Good point. I wouldn't want to be the guy standing between you and your booze," I said. He laughed exuberantly once more, but underneath it I could hear something else, a quieter giggle from across the room. I looked over and saw Bella grinning while she tossed the salad. I felt a swell of pride at the realization that I had finally brought a smile to her face.

Dinner was incredible. The three girls could all be chefs if their chosen career paths didn't work out. Bella, especially. She had made the salmon, and, I swear to God, it was the best thing I had ever tasted. I told her so.

"Thanks," she said softly, with a soft blush coming up her neck and turning her ears a bright red. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling and embarrassing her. It was probably the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.

A few hours, and a few hands of cards later, Alice and Jasper excused themselves, followed closely by Emmett and Rosalie. One couple went up, and the other went down. I wondered if Rosalie had finally decided to stop cock-blocking Emmett and just let them be together like they both clearly wanted.

It didn't escape my notice that this left me alone with Bella. Before I could say anything, she jumped up and began collecting dishes.

"I should take care of these before the food gets all stuck on," she mumbled, rushing out of the living room. I stood up and collected the rest, following her into the kitchen.

"I'll help you," I offered, coming to stand next to her at the sink. She shrunk away from me, almost imperceptibly. I tried not to be offended.

"That's alright, I've got it," she said, filling the sink with water.

"I insist. You wash and I'll dry," I said, grabbing the dishtowel. She kept her head down, but I could see her barely nod.

The dishwashing was a silent endeavour. I tried to ask a few questions, but it seemed like whatever progress we may have been making over dinner had been in vain, as she answered me with mumbled monosyllables. Once the dishes were clean she swiftly steeled away to her room, leaving me alone in the kitchen, wondering what the hell her problem was.

A couple of weeks passed, and I had yet to make progress with Bella. Just as all of my other friendships were becoming stronger, it seemed like the tiny acquaintanceship I had with Bella was slipping away. One Monday morning, I just couldn't take it anymore. I pulled Alice aside after our business class to see if she could give me any answers.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" I asked as we exited the classroom. I pulled her off the side so we were out of the way of the traffic.

"What's up?" she asked. Alice and I had become pretty good friends over the past month. It was the end of September, and I already felt like I had known her forever.

"I was wondering what you can tell me about Bella?" I asked. She raised an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?" I sighed and leaned back against the wall.

"Well, you know how she is," I said, crossing my arms. "She wont talk to me. She avoids me like the plague. I just don't know what to do. Did I do something wrong? You're her best friend, Alice, you've got to be able to give me some answers." She sighed heavily.

"You didn't do anything wrong Edward, Bella's just... being Bella."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. She looked conflicted, and seemed to strongly consider her answer. I wanted to know what was being kept from me.

"Look, it's not you, it's Bella. Trust me."

"That doesn't answer my question." She shook her head.

"I know. Umm.. Bella's just... she's a little different." I watched her intently as she fought for the way to word whatever she was trying to tell me. It was obvious that she didn't want to divulge too much, and it was just making me all the more curious.

"Different, how?" I pressed. She bit her lip and looked at the ground instead of at me.

"She just doesn't like men. At all. It's not you, it's men." She said, with finality. If I wasn't confused before, I certainly was after that.

"What do you mean she doesn't like men? She gets along with Emmett and Jaz just fine,"I argue. She looked up at me, like she was pleading with me to stop. I didn't want to put her in a bad place, but I just needed to know the truth.

"Edward, I know you've been trying to open her up."

"And failing, every time," I said, irritated. She shook her head.

"No, you're not failing. Just, do me a favour and keep trying, okay?"

"Why?" I asked. "She obviously doesn't want anything to do with me."

"That's not true, Edward. Please. I think what she needs right now is some time, so just don't give up on her, okay? Please?" She asked. She looked so torn, but so sincere. I let out a long breath.

"What aren't you telling me?" I asked. She smiled sadly.

"I've got to get to class," she said, backing away from me. I felt my answers slipping away with her. She turned and began to rush away, but turned back after a few steps. "Just keep trying."

I stood back against the wall and watched her retreating form, with a whole host of new questions in my mind. What had made Bella so weary of men? Why was she only like this with me? It just didn't make sense. For some reason Alice seemed to think that I could bring Bella out of her shell, but after nearly a month of trying, I was seriously starting to doubt that.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts, before pushing off the wall and heading in the direction of my next class. Whatever Bella's issue, her best friend seemed to think she would come around in time. I was banking on that, and I refused to give up.

**BPOV**

I was sitting in my room after my class, enjoying the silence. I was the only one home at this time of day on Mondays and Wednesdays, and it was always a nice change to the constant activity that came with having six people under one roof. Don't get me wrong, I loved living in Mason Village, and my roommates were great, but sometimes you just missed having real alone time. It was relaxing.

On the flip side, it was also kind of scary. I tried to put a hamper on my runaway thoughts, but my natural paranoia tended to come out to play whenever I was alone, especially at night. I appreciated the fact that the only time I was alone in 4 White was during the broad daylight, when there were people bustling all around outside who would hear my screams.

I sighed deeply and chastised myself for those thoughts. They would get me nowhere good. I relaxed back into my bed and turned my attention to a book I was reading for a Lit class.

That's when I heard the front door open and shut. My breath caught in my throat, and I could feel my heartbeat speeding up.

Logically, I knew it was probably just one of my several roommates back early, but my brain refused to process that thought. I raced over to my door when I heard footfalls coming up the stairs, and closed it quietly, locking it. I leaned against it, listening to the footsteps coming onto my floor.

I tried to steady my breathing, knowing it would be Rose, and she would go across the hall, or it would be Alice, and she would stop at her room before reaching my door.

My inner panic-meter rose to code red when the footsteps didn't stop at their doors. Instead they walked continuously until stopping just outside my door. I felt the door handle jerk under my hand that I didn't realize was still clutching it with white knuckles.

"Bella?" a knock came at the door, following Alice's bell tone voice. I let out a long, steadying breath and pulled the door open. I swallowed hard.

"What are you doing home?" I asked, trying to seem as normal as I could. Alice knew about my paranoid tendencies, but never really had time for them. She took in my appearance and sighed.

"You've got to pull it together, Bella. You can't have a panic attack every time someone deviates from your mental schedule." I crossed my arms over my chest protectively and sat back on my bed.

"I wasn't having a panic attack," I lied. She shook her head, closing the door behind her and coming to sit next to me.

"You're white as a sheet, honey. You may be able to fool Charlie, but you can't fool me." I bit my lip. Fuck Alice and her observances.

"What are you doing home, anyway?" I asked. She was supposed to have another class, she wasn't supposed to be home for two hours. I immediately regretted asking. She turned to me with her no-nonsense, "you're in trouble" face. I felt my stomach clench. Only Alice could make me feel guilty without ever saying a word.

"You, missy, are in trouble." Yea, I had gathered that much.

"What'd I do?" My voice sounded a lot more like a whine than I had intended it to. She growled—actually growled. If I wasn't mildly intimidated by her pixie-self, I probably would have laughed.

"I had a lovely chat with Edward this morning," she began. Great. Not this again. "Bella, I know what your problem is, but you have got to snap out of it. Edward is a really nice guy, and you're treating him like dirt."

"Alice..."

"No, you know? I've been quiet for like a freaking month, and have just sat by and watched you let that boy think that he had somehow personally offended you, and I can't do it anymore! He just wants to know you, Bella. He just wants to be your friend."

"You know I can't..."

"No, you can, and you will." I was seriously tired of her cutting me off. "I'm not asking you to take a ride on his disco stick here, I'm just asking you—no—telling you to stop being so mean. Stop ignoring him, or mumbling answers. You think he hasn't noticed that you're only like this with him? Really, Bella. We're all under the same roof here. He knows how you treat everyone else, Emm and Jaz especially, and you're hurting his feelings..." she was in full rant mode now. I had to shut it down, quickly.

"You can't make me be friends with him, Alice." Okay, so maybe it wasn't the most brilliant way to stop her rambling, but it was true. I was sick of Alice trying to tell me what to do, how to live my life. I'll admit she was usually the voice of reason when it came to my paranoid/obsessive tendencies, but she was always butting in.

"No, you're right, I can't." I let out a breath, she was finally giving in. "But I can tell Edward the truth about why you wont let him in." My breath stopped in mid-exhale.

"You wouldn't!" I exclaimed. I could feel my chest constricting, like I was being wound up by a python. The very thought of Edward, or anyone knowing what happened was completely out of the question. Alice could clearly see my distress, and let out a long sigh. She placed a hand on my shoulder.

"No, I wouldn't." My chest eased, slightly. "But you've got to stop this, Bella." I tried to regain my composure, and tried to think through what she had been saying. I knew I had been acting childish, and I was being rude to Edward, and I really didn't want to be. I was doing it out of fear and confusion, not because I actually disliked him—much to the contrary, I was doing it because I liked him _too much_, and that gave him power over me. It gave him the ability to hurt me. Alice stood and walked over to the door, leaning against it.

"Please just be nice to him," she requested, much more politely than before. "I think you'll find he's worth it. I know you will." With that, she pulled the door open and slipped out, shutting it behind her. I heard her head down to the main floor and switch on the television in the common room.

I laid back on my bed and listened as the soft sounds of whatever program she was watching—from the sounds of it, the home shopping channel—flitted up to my room. Alice was right. Edward had never been anything but nice to me, and again, like always, I was letting my stupid insecurities mess with my head. I suppose I never really considered that I was hurting anyone other than myself.

I pulled myself up and glanced out the window. In the distance I could see the Howard Building where Edward was having his class at the moment. I leaned forward and rested my head against the cool glass of the window pain. He was worth it. He deserved, at the very least, my respect. I decided I would stop denying him that.

But I _wouldn't_ let him convince me to date him. I _wouldn't_ break that rule.

I rested in my room for a bit longer, letting my mind wander away from the whole Edward debacle and get lost for a while. I found life much easier to cope with when I could escape it for a while. I wrote for a bit, adding a few pages to the story I was working on, and read my book for lit. About an hour passed before I decided to go downstairs and sit with Alice, eat my pride, and admit that she was right. Like usual.

**EPOV**

My psych class dragged on and on until I thought _I_ was going to need a psychologist to pull me out of the catatonic state I had been lulled into. Although I had been excited about this class on my first day, September was coming to an end, and the novelty had worn off.

I was eager to get home. My talk with Alice that morning hadn't really instilled all that much confidence in me, but it had given me the juice to give it another go with Bella. It was like a pep talk before the big game that you know you're going to lose—it pumps you up just enough to actually play the damn game, and lose with dignity.

When I opened up the front door I could hear Bella and Alice chatting animatedly in the living room. I stood in the foyer and listened to them for a moment, just enjoying the sound of Bella's voice when she wasn't being so guarded. She laughed, and it made me smile. I decided that I would try to get her while she was in a good mood, so I quickly deposited my bag in my room before climbing the stairs to the common area.

I found Bella and Alice on the couch. Alice was sprawled out with her legs across Bella's lap, while Bella absentmindedly played with the hem of Alice's pants. It was a cute scene—you could sense the comfort and familiarity between the girls, and you knew it had to be a long time in the works. They were so at ease with each other. I wondered if Bella would ever be that at ease with me.

Okay, one step at a time.

"Hey guys," I said, plopping myself into the recliner. Alice looked over at me with a big smile, on the tail end of a giggle.

"Hey," she greeted, pulling herself up and swinging her legs off of Bella's lap. "You know, I've got a lot of homework to do." She stood up from the couch, stretched, and offered a parting wave before bounding up the stairs. I was now left with Bella, who I assumed would bolt just as soon as she could get her butt off the couch.

"How as your morning?" she asked, to my great surprise. In the month that we'd known each other, she had never willingly engaged in a conversation with me, let alone actually initiated one. I hoped my face didn't show my surprise.

"Uhh, it was good," I told her. I was trying to figure out if I should elaborate. She didn't look like she wanted to run away. I took it as a go-ahead and continued. "My psych class kind of makes me want to die." She laughed. She fucking laughed. If she could have looked inside my head, she would have seen little oompa loompas doing a happy dance in there.

"Ugh, I know. My psych class is terrible too," she said. I really didn't want to look like a freak by not responding to her, but I was actually in awe that she was talking to me—no, not talking, _conversing_. She was opening up a topic of discussion.

What on earth did Alice do to her while I was gone? I would have to give the little pixie a hug next time I saw her.

"I didn't know you were in psych," I managed to spit out. I tried to reign in my mind and start talking like a normal person. I didn't want to blow my chance. "Which prof do you have?"

"Rayburne. He's about as exciting as a hamster on depressants." And she was funny too? How did I not know she was funny?

"Yea, I have Rayburne too," I told her. "He's the only professor to make me wish I was in a coma." She laughed again. This was officially the best moment I'd had at Wickham.

"You obviously don't have Joel Kelley. He's my Lit prof. He actually makes Hamlet _more_ irritating, if you can believe it." I grinned.

"I _hate_ Hamlet." She leaned forward a little in her chair, and I mimicked her posture.

"I know! He was like the first official emo-kid. Shakespeare himself can't actually like that character!" She was passionate about something. I was having an actual, interesting conversation with Bella Swan.

"I have a theory that Hamlet is Shakespeare's way of torturing the masses post-mortem," I joked.

The conversation with Bella flowed comfortably for quite a while. In fact, even when it came to a conclusion, it wasn't awkward or forced in any way, and, for a change, I was the one who initiated it. Not that I wanted to, of course—but I had a report that desperately needed my attention. She offered me a smile as I walked away.

I tried to focus on my report, but it was just impossible. I had finally made a breakthrough with Bella, and, just as I suspected it would, it cemented my desire to be with her. She was beautiful, smart, and, as it turned out, witty too. I didn't want to freak her out by moving too fast, but I couldn't deny that I was fully enamoured with the beautiful brunette who lived upstairs.

I would definitely have to thank Alice. Whatever she said to Bella obviously worked.

* * *

**A/N:** I apologize if you just _loooooove_ Hamlet.... but, well, I _hate_ Hamlet, and as the author, I reserve the right to mock and bastardize the play as much as possible.

I should also mention that this fic was inspired by the song "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton, and it is titled after that song as well. The plotline is a little different, but it's a great song, so if you don't know it you should check it out.

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it. Let me know!

Christie


	5. Chapter 5

**BPOV**

So I had to admit that Alice wasn't completely wrong about Edward. Okay, so she was completely right about him, regardless, that only made my particular situation worse. If ignoring him wasn't making my feelings for him go away, then talking to him and actually getting to know the guy certainly wasn't going to do the trick either.

But, nevertheless, I bit back that particular insecurity and did what I had been avoiding for a month. I had a real, honest to goodness conversation with the dude—and, much like I anticipated, he was awesome. When he retired to his bedroom to work on a paper I was torn between the flood of relief, and the disappointment that he was walking away.

Damn Alice and her meddling.

As the week went on I continued to act kindly toward Edward. Every day he was nice to me, and it made me feel awful for the way I had treated him. He deserved better. He always had. I could tell that he had been affected by my behaviour more than he let on, by the subtle shock on his face every time I started a conversation. I was hoping that surprise wouldn't last long, and eventually it would just be like we were old friends. Old, _platonic_ friends, with absolutely no other feelings involved.

I had to laugh at myself for thinking that. How was it possible _not_ to have feelings for Edward? He was about as close to perfect as a guy could get! Okay, so that's a mild exaggeration, but he was still pretty damn incredible. He was gorgeous, funny, I didn't know if he was talented, but I assumed so... he was just wonderful.

That, in itself, should have been reason enough for me to keep my distance. But, I ignored my little inner alert system and let him get close anyway. I really should have known better—in fact, I did know better. But Alice wouldn't let me continue my avoidance tactics, and the more I talked to him, the more I realized that I didn't want to. It was much easier living in a house with him without wanting to run away and hide from him all of the time. Group hang outs with all six of us were easier too, because people weren't afraid of what they might say around both of us. I hadn't noticed that they were being careful before, but as that week progressed I could see a significant change in everyone.

I hadn't realized I was being so obvious. I guess that's something I just never considered about myself. Whenever I was avoiding something I thought I was being covert, like no one would notice. I had no idea that I was so transparent.

So things got better that week. It took a few days for my nerves to die down, but once they did I realized I could easily fall into a friendly pattern with Edward. I just needed to let my guard down a little, though the very thought of doing that was terrifying to me.

That weekend was the first block party. It had originally been scheduled for earlier on in September, but, go figure, a tropical storm hit. I was used to the rain, coming from Washington, but the wind was incredible. It was the first time I had experienced that kind of "extreme weather". It was a little scary, to be honest. Of course, as was to be expected, Emmett and Alice decided to go outside and run up and down the street getting soaked and blown all over the place. Well, Alice was blown all over the place. I doubt an F5 tornado could budge Emmett if he didn't want it to.

However, because of that set back, the block party had to be delayed. I was a little disappointed at the time. It was the one thing I was really looking forward to. I knew I would eventually have to get to know other students around the Village, and I figured that would be easier with Alice at my side. When they announced the rescheduled date, I couldn't help that little bubble of excitement the welled up inside me. Not much had happened around the Village once classes got underway and, though I'm not one for parties, even I was desperate for a little entertainment.

I was excited, but I doubt anyone could have matched Alice's level of excitement. Even Jasper—supreme commander of the calming force—couldn't reign her in. She was over at the block parents' house almost every night making a pest of herself, trying to 'help' set up the party. Of course, in Alice language, 'help' means 'take over', which means 'move it to 4 White and let us do the whole thing'. The rest of us tried to settle her down, but it was just no use. The block parents really didn't know what to do with her, so they assigned her the task of getting the word out to the residents.

Obviously, the block parents didn't know Alice very well. This small task gave way to a massive PR campaign, complete with leaflets, FaceBook groups, and brochures detailing the 'activities' (activities including eating and chatting... it was eight pages long). Unfortunately this also meant Alice felt compelled to drag the rest of us into the mix by assigning all of us tasks to be completed on a very stringent schedule.

On the Thursday before the party, which was on Friday night, she sent Rose and Emmett out to knock on doors and ensure that everyone was going to be there. Rose would have put up a fight, but during the month of September, even she had learned that you just don't say 'no' to Alice. She sucked it up with a grumble and went along with Emmett. I'm pretty sure the two shirked their responsibilities and went to have hot monkey sex in the woods. I can't be sure, but when they came back Emmett was grinning like an idiot, and Rose had twigs in her hair.

She tasked Jasper and herself with covering damn near the entire campus with posters. Unfortunately for Jasper, his girlfriend _was_ the beast, so there would be no crazy monkey sex in the woods for them... well, at least not while there was marketing to do.

And finally, because we were the odd ones out, Alice tasked Edward and I with going shopping and collecting prizes... yes... prizes. She was very specific—a draw would take place at exactly 8:05 (this was entirely Alice's idea. The house parents had taken to just letting her do whatever she wanted to get her out of their hair). The draw would consist of six prizes of similar value, which would be presented to lucky folks who had their names picked out of a shoe. Yes. A shoe. Alice had the strangest impression that Mason Village was like the old lady who lived in a shoe, because of all of the little first years and the way the house parents took care of us.

I've learned not to encourage Alice... just to go along with her every whim.

Anyway, Alice tasked Edward and myself with procuring the prizes, which she somehow talked the house parents into paying for. She would do very well in business.

Unfortunately, and I _know_ it wasn't an oversight on Alice's part, this meant time alone in a car with Edward. It was one thing to hang out with him in the house where there were witnesses, but car time was a whole 'nother thing. I wasn't looking forward to it.

Friday morning after our classes Edward and I got into his car, which was in bad shape but at least it ran. We didn't say a thing as we had pulled out of Mason Village and were on the road to Kittery—a little shopping district that Alice claimed had the greatest sales in the universe. I took her word for it, since she and Rose had been shopping nearly every weekend since we moved in. I had managed to avoid those little voyages, for the sake of my sanity. Shopping was the one thing Alice couldn't bend me on, unless there was a guilt trip involved.

The drive to Kittery would take about an hour each way. I had no doubt that Alice planned this so that Edward and I would have to go on a road trip together. She was a sneaky little bitc...person.

You could feel the tension in that car, and I'm pretty sure it was entirely my fault. Edward seemed like the kind of person who could make anything fun and interesting, but I was completely useless in most social situations. I had the social graces of a gecko, and not the cute Geico one. I wasn't the cool gecko with the British accent and the smart outfits, I was the loser gecko that spoke in broken English and couldn't regrow its tail.

After about twenty minutes of silence, Edward began fiddling with the radio. He couldn't find a good station, so we settled on some god awful country station that made me want to vomit. We were in Maine, not South Carolina, wtf with the country music? Edward chuckled and I looked at him. It was the first actual sound that had passed from either of us since the car ride began.

"What's so funny?" I asked. He grinned.

"This is ridiculous," he said. I raised an eyebrow, failing to see the humour in being forced to listen to Kenny Chesney for long periods of time.

"What is?" he just shook his head, amused, and gestured between us.

"This. You'd think we hated each other or something. You haven't said a word since we left," he said, sobering a bit. I shrugged, looking out my window.

"Neither have you," I countered.

"Yea, but I usually wait for you to give the signal," he said. I returned my gaze to him, confused.

"What signal?"

"The one that means I'm allowed to talk to you," he said, in all seriousness. I raised my eyebrows, surprised by the statement.

"You don't need a signal to talk to me," I said, turning toward him in my seat, as much as the belt would allow. He chanced a glance in my direction before returning his sights to the road.

"Yes I do."

"No, you don't. Why would you?" I argued. He sighed deeply.

"Because if I don't get the signal, then you usually run away, or shut down or something. I can only imagine what you would do being trapped in a car with me." I bit my lip, stunned by his candid remark. I stuttered around, searching for an appropriate response, but came up with none. He was right, after all. I hadn't given him much reason to feel comfortable talking to me, even if our week had been fairly successful.

"Sorry," I said. He looked at me, surprised.

"You don't have to apologize, Bella," he said, with sincerity. "I just..." he seemed to gather his thoughts. I liked that he was being so frank with me. Sometimes I just needed the extra kick to get out of my own head. "I just don't want to lose the ground that we've made up in the last few days by bugging you." His voice was low, and for the first time, he seemed a little timid. It made my stomach drop, realizing that I had driven this beautiful, confident man to become shy and introverted with me. I didn't want to have that effect on anyone, especially not Edward. I sighed and crossed my arms in front of me to keep from reaching over and grabbing his hand that rested on the gear shift. It wasn't the first time I'd had the urge to touch him, but it was one of the strongest.

"We wont," I said, mustering as much confidence as I could. I looked over and waited for him to return my gaze. He quickly glanced at me, catching my eyes in a quick, but meaningful look. "Edward, I'm sorry about the last month." He seemed to stiffen a bit, his hold on the steering wheel tightening. "You just..." I stopped to suck up my nerves. "You just make me nervous." He looked confused.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked. I shook my head harshly.

"No, not at all," I assured him. "It's not you..."

"It's not me, it's you?" he asked with a chuckle. When he said it, I realized how cliche it sounded. I joined him in a small laugh. It felt good, like it was releasing some of the tension.

"It _is_ me," I said, still chuckling. I watched him as his mouth formed a perfect small smile. He seemed quite at ease now that the conversation was flowing. His relaxed demeanour helped to further calm my nerves. I realized that there was no need for tension with Edward. He offered me a sideways glance before peering out into the long stretch of highway ahead of us.

"I'd love to know what goes on in your head, Swan." I chuckled.

"I don't know about that, Cullen. It's a scary place sometimes." He just smiled and shrugged.

"Still intriguing as hell."

The rest of the car ride there and back passed with relative ease. Once we got over that first bump in the road, the conversation began to flow comfortably as it had for most of the week. I felt better, finally having apologized for my behaviour. Edward seemed more content as well. Even as we arrived in Kittery, the pain of shopping couldn't put a downer on my mood. The progress I'd made with Edward all week couldn't compare to that one short hour in the car together. I would have to thank Alice for her meddling.

**EPOV**

The trip to Kittery with Bella was... well... it was awesome. Every time I made her smile or laugh it just made me fall for her more and more. My own brain was making me nauseous with my thoughts about her, but I couldn't help it. I was totally enthralled by her, and I just desperately wanted to learn everything about her.

When she apologized for the way she had treated me through September, it was the first time that she actually acknowledged that anything had changed. I didn't even need to hear her apologize, just admit that she had been treating me differently. I didn't really get an explanation out of her, but quickly found that I didn't need one. The joy of having her as my friend was much greater than whatever had happened to precede it.

That evening our group from 4 White went over to the house parents bungalow for the barbeque around 6:30, and there was already a huge crowd of Villagers there. Alice had certainly done a good job of promoting the event. She had an entrepreneurial spirit that I really admired, although I think it drove just about everyone else nuts.

The whole street was blocked off to traffic, and there were groups of people everywhere. Music blared from several of the houses, creating a real party feel. I finally understood what the house parents meant about these block parties being fun. It seemed like it would be a great way to meet new people and get to know the rest of our neighbours.

Alice rushed to the front of the crowd to accost the house parents with her 'help'. Jasper followed her, being the doting boyfriend that he was, while Emmett mocked him from where we stood near the back of the crowd. I felt Bella sidle up beside me, and nudge me with her elbow. I looked down and found her smiling, holding out a popsicle for me. I took it with a grin.

"Where'd you get this?" I asked, taking a lick of the grape treat. She grinned conspiratorially.

"I've got connections." I laughed. She was so much fun now that she was at ease with me.

"I didn't know the Swan mafia clan set up their base in Maine." She laughed and put her popsicle in her mouth, sucking on it. I was transfixed as I watched her pull it in and out, then lick around it, and then pop it back in. I knew it was wrong, and that I shouldn't be reading into it, but when a small purple drip began to make its way down her chin, I literally had to stop myself from catching it with my tongue by viciously biting into my own popsicle, downing it. I was pretty sure that would have destroyed my progress with her. I was thankful for the distraction when Emmett trotted over to us excitedly, Rosalie in tow.

"Eddie, my man!" he called, running over and slapping me on the shoulder.

"It's Edward," I said in a deadpan. He rarely called me Eddie, and only ever did it to bug me. I knew that, but it still irritated the hell out of me.

"Whatever. Dude, there's this fucking hot chick making hamburgers. Seriously, you have to come look!" he exclaimed. I took mild joy in Rose smacking him upside the head.

"I've seen hot chicks before, Emmett." I said. He rolled his eyes and began pulling on my arm. I chanced a glance back at Bella and found that her eyes were downcast, as she nibbled on her now popsicle-less stick. I pulled my arm away from him and stepped back to her side. "I think I'll pass."

"I told you," Rose said quietly to Emmett. I jerked my gaze to her.

"Told him what?" I asked. She just smirked that irritating, all-knowing smirk and shrugged.

"Nothing, Eddie," she said, turning and scampering away, pulling Emmett along with her. I bit the inside of my cheek, looking between her retreating form and Bella, who was looking at me quizzically.

"You don't want to look at the fucking hot chick?" she asked with a small smile. I shrugged, a smirk playing on my lips.

"I already am," I said, turning on the full Cullen charm, and enjoying the way a blush spread up her neck, burning her ears. She tried to play it off, but I could see how I affected her. It made missing out on that other chick totally worth it. She let out a huff.

"Please." I offered my best crooked grin—or as my friends back home called it, the panty dropper.

"Please what?" I asked. I watched her reaction. At first she seemed to moderately swoon, like most girls, but then she quickly backpedalled. Before she could close in on herself, I decided to stop my teasing. Most girls liked it. Apparently Bella was not most girls.

"Hey, you want me to get you a hamburger or something?" I asked, motioning toward the line that was shrinking. She seemed to calm a little and offered a small smile.

"A hot dog would be great." I smiled back at her before heading over to where the barbeque was set up, and where Alice had planted herself and Jasper. I chanced a glance back at Bella and found her looking around the crowd, her arms tightly wound around her middle. I momentarily wondered if I should leave her alone, but decided against heading back. Bella was a big girl, she didn't need a babysitter.

I made my way to the table where Alice and Jasper were. Alice was busily taking orders and forcefully relaying them to the house parents. Jasper and I exchanged amused glances before I spoke up.

"Alice, can I get two hot dogs?" I asked. She smiled brightly.

"Comin' right up!" she exclaimed cheerfully, before turning to the guy at the grill, "Two dogs, n' make em quick!" she barked. I couldn't help but laugh. Of course she was running the place. She was Alice. She turned back to me with a smile.

"Where's Bella?" she asked, looking around. I gestured back to where I had come from, but the line of sight was blocked off by the crown.

"She waiting for me," I told her. She bit her lip, looking concerned. "What?"

"You left her alone?" she asked. I nodded slowly.

"Yes," I drawled. "I didn't think she needed me to hold her hand." Alice sighed, looking around nervously. "Alice, seriously, what's up?" she set her lips in a firm line, and turned back to the guy at the grill.

"Hurry up with those damn dogs!" she exclaimed. She must have struck the fear of God into the poor cook, cause within thirty seconds I had two hotdogs wrapped in napkins in my hands. "Go on!" she exclaimed, shooing me away. She was pretty desperate for me to get back to Bella. I couldn't make heads or tails of her behaviour, but I opted to quickly retreat to where I had left Bella. Alice seemed to know best when it came to that girl.

When I finally made my way to the clearing in the crowd where I left Bella, I spotted her quickly, talking to a tall blond guy. Well... he was talking, she seemed totally uncomfortable. She was looking around, shifting her gaze quickly from place to place, and had her arms even more tightly wound around her middle. I quickly closed the distance, and was able to catch the last bit of what the guy was saying.

"Come on, Baby," he said. His voice was irritatingly nasal, and it was clear he had no game. "I'm only a few houses away, we can get the hell out of here and no one will even know we're gone." I sidled up next to him, and watched as Bella visibly relaxed.

"Here you go," I said, handing her a hot dog. She took it, and came to stand next to me. "Is there a problem here?" I asked, straightening up to my full height, which was a few inches taller than this character. I could see him visibly shrink in front of me.

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't know she had a boyfriend," he stuttered. I looked down at Bella, and her look seemed to implore me to go with it.

"Yes, well, now you do," I said, wrapping my free arm around her shoulder. I tried not to love the feeling of her sinking into my side, but that would have just been too much to ask. The guy seemed to stand there a moment longer, not really knowing what to do. "You can go now," I said, with maybe a little more attitude than was absolutely necessary. He scurried away pretty quickly. He didn't seem too terribly threatening. I wondered what he said that had Bella so upset. She shifted out from under my arm and came to stand about a foot away from me.

"Thanks," she mumbled, taking a bite of her hot dog. I reached a hand out, brushing a stray hair away from her face. She visibly tensed under my touch, which was strange considering the way she had just sought comfort in it.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Did he do something to you?" I was ready to go destroy him if he had. She shook her head.

"No, no, he didn't do anything." I stood there, utterly confused.

"Then what was that all about?" I asked. She shrugged, her gaze burning into her dinner. I bit my lip, not wanting to upset her. "Bella, you know you can talk to me, right?" She slowly raised her eyes to meet mine, smiling sadly.

"Sure," she said. It wasn't convincing, but I decided to let it go.

"C'mon," I said, gesturing for her to walk with me. "It's a party. Let's go find Emmett. I'm sure he's doing something stupid." She laughed lightly and fell into step next to me.

I just couldn't figure this damn girl out.

* * *

**A/N**: Gah! I'm so sorry for the wait guys. I hate taking this long to update. In my defence, I'm in that post-exam haze with absolutely zero motivation to do _anything_... I suppose that's not much of a defence, but it's all I've got. Sorry, I'm being lazy. It may be a few more days for the next couple because of the holidays, and family committments and whatnot, but it's coming! I promise!

Anyways, I hope you liked it. Let me know!

Christie


	6. Chapter 6

**BPOV**

When Edward offered to get me something to eat, I was thankful for the reprieve from the awkward moment that had passed between us. As he walked away, I marvelled at how well he had come to read my signals after only a few days of regular conversation between us. I tried to bat away the warmth that filled me at the realization. It would do me no good to allow myself to think of Edward in such a way.

Once he disappeared in amongst the crowd, I suddenly realized where I was. I wasn't in my own little world with Edward, or safe in the confines of 4 White—rather I was in the middle of a massive crowd of rowdy first years, and their adolescent games. I knew, logically, that I was perfectly safe here in Mason Village, but I was still uneasy being in the centre of all the bustle. Every unfamiliar face was an angry one, every arm that brushed past mine was a threat. I wrapped my arms tightly around my middle in a conscious effort to keep my inner freak from bursting out.

I momentarily wondered if I should follow Edward, and make something up about wanting to help. That would seem strange though, and goodness knows how he would construe my following him. I opted to stay planted where I was, and hope that Alice would give him the celebrity treatment and usher him to the front of the line. She would know to get him back to me soon. Alice always helped me keep my sanity when my own brain had forsaken me.

I felt, more than saw, the greasy blond haired man sidle up next to me. Rather than the brief, innocent pat on the arm, I felt an infectious ache wrap around the limb. I tried to contain my breathing and act like a normal person.

"_Please... you've never been a normal person."_ I steadied myself as best I could, and managed a smile, which I'm sure looked more like a grimace, in his direction. Couldn't he tell I didn't want him here? Couldn't he read signals at all?

Or maybe I was giving off the signal that I wanted his attention. It wouldn't be the first time I'd made such a mistake.

"Hi, I'm Mike. I think we have History together," the blond man said. He was wrong. I wasn't in History. I nodded slowly, though, unwilling to make conversation with the offending character. I wanted him to walk away. Why wouldn't he walk away? He cleared his throat, and shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

"_Great, Swan. You're making him uncomfortable."_

"I'm, umm," he stuttered, running his boney hand through his greasy hair (in retrospect, he probably looked just fine—unlike the vile creature I had turned him into in my mind), "I'm in 17 Red." I nodded my recognition, looking around, realizing we were standing by 13 Blue. Closer to his house than my own. Great.

He shifted on his feet again. I wondered if I was making him nervous. I hoped he would just take my signals as a clear "No" and go the fuck away.

Of course, that's not what he did. He was irritatingly persistent.

"What's your name?" he asked. I bit my lip and looked around rapidly, hoping to spot Edward. I would have been happy with any of my friends at this point. I was sure Alice could take this guy if necessary. Seeing no one, I turned back to him, forcing myself to look up at him.

"Bella," I answered in a clipped tone. I was being rude. I knew I was being rude, but I wanted him to go away. I was only ever comfortable around men when I had Alice there with me to keep me sane. I should have known it was a bad idea to come out here for this damn party.

"Bella. That's a fitting name," he said, with what I assume he thought was a smooth, sexy grin. I tried not to roll my eyes. That was _always_ the first line of any guy who was only interested in one thing.

"Thanks," I said, continuing to glance around for my friends.

"So, umm. It's pretty crazy out here," he commented. I nodded my agreement. "You know, if you want we could always go back to my place." Here it comes. "Get to know each other." Ahh, there it is.

"No thanks," I said, hoping I didn't sound like too much of a bitch—but at the same time, not really caring. He smiled that same icky smile at me.

"Come on, baby." I couldn't help but roll my eyes. He was much too persistent for his level of attractiveness. I continued to look around, and barely heard his next sentence, once again suggesting we go back to his place, when my eyes landed on Edward coming through the crowd. I felt the tight coil in my chest relax, and I let out a breath. Edward came up to us, standing next to Mike, and held out a hot dog to me.

"Here you go," he offered. I smiled, realizing that my saviour was here now. _"My saviour? What the Hell, Bella, get control over your own thoughts, here_". I scrambled over to where Edward was standing and planted myself at his side. I could feel him stand up taller as he asked if there was a problem. I watched the Mike character visibly shrink in front of me. It shocked me that, somehow, a moment earlier I had considered that guy threatening. Edward seemed much more imposing now that I was tucked in beside him.

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't know she had a boyfriend," Mike managed to spit out, backing away slightly. He was wrong, but he was wrong about most things. Edward found my eyes, and I implored him to go with it. I didn't want to deal with Mike any more than absolutely necessary. Edward wrapped his arm tightly around me, and in the spirit of acting, I allowed myself to sink into his embrace, trying not to focus on how good it felt to be protected while Edward hastily dismissed Mike.

I allowed myself another second of revelling in Edward's embrace, before swiftly removing myself.

"Thanks," I said with as much nonchalance as I could muster, taking a big bite of my hot dog. I didn't give myself an opportunity to share all of the millions of thoughts I'd had in the last millisecond about Edward. A lady didn't talk with her mouth full. I regretted that slightly when Edward looked at me with his eyes full of worry. I realized at that moment what this whole scene with Mike must have looked like to him. When he asked if Mike had done anything to actually warrant my behaviour, I denied it quickly, wanting to put the issue to rest.

"Bella, you know you can talk to me, right?" he asked. I felt my heart fall into my stomach. Here, this wonderful man wanted to be there for me and comfort me, and I was willing to throw that all away because of some stupid fear. I wasn't ready though—I just couldn't do it. I offered him what I hoped was an encouraging smile and nodded.

The rest of the party passed without incident, thankfully. Once the dinner rush had passed, Alice and Jasper rejoined the rest of us for some games before Alice announced the winners of the draw. Once all of that had been taken care of, we all decided to head back to the house. I'm sure everyone else probably had plenty of energy left, but my little incident with Mike had left me drained. I wondered, idly, if I would ever be right again. I quickly concluded, probably not.

**EPOV**

When we returned to the house, Emmett quickly declared that it was time for the real party to begin. The rest of us congregated in the living room while he disappeared, not surprised when he returned with two cases of beer, handing a bottle to each of us.

When we were all settled in, conversation began to flow easily. I respected Bella enough not to mention the incident with the blond guy, or her bizarre behaviour that had continued for most of the night. She was a strange girl, something I was learning more and more as I got to know her. I just wished she would let me into that crazy mind of hers.

I sat back quietly and watched as she interacted with the rest of the group. Everything was so easy here in the confines of our house. It seemed, with Bella, things only got complicated when we were elsewhere. I wondered idly if she had some sort of anxiety problem, but my musings were cut short when Emmett decided it was time for a drinking game. I hated drinking games.

"Lets play truth or dare!" he shouted. I shook my head.

"Dude, no one is doing alcohol induced dares. Mason is supposed to be a dry rez," I said. I knew I was the group buzz kill, but I still didn't feel like getting a strike over some stupid game. Emmett rolled his eyes at me.

"Fine, fine. Just truth then," he suggested.

"You just want to ask each other questions?" Alice asked, slurring a bit. She'd downed one bottle quickly, and was well onto her second. Being so small, I assumed she was probably a lightweight. "How is that any different from what we normally do?" Emmett just grinned that massive, lazy grin back at the group.

"That's where the beer comes in," he explained. We all just went along with him because there wasn't much else to do. Before long, questions were being thrown around the room, and whenever someone didn't want to answer one of them, they had to drink. It wasn't much of a game, because everyone was drinking anyway, but it appeased the big guy, so I didn't say anything.

Of course, the questions were all grossly inappropriate, and most were things I never wanted to know about my friends.

Within 20 minutes I had learned:

The strangest location in which Emmett had ever had sex (under the bleachers, _during_ a football game... and he was the quarterback).

Alice had lost her virginity at 16 in the bathroom of 7-11, to a guy named Moe, who was, quote, "Really hairy, but had a massive schlong."

Jasper had once tried to use Cool Whip as lube while masturbating, when his mom walked in (after the initial shock, she offered a lengthy lecture about why food products were not for sexual use—and promptly threw out the remaining Cool Whip).

Rosalie, apparently (though I refuse to believe it for my own sanity), had given her first boyfriend a blow job in the back seat of his mother's car, while the poor woman was driving.

I didn't have a whole lot of craziness to share, so I was 'booed' when I told the story of losing my virginity in my girlfriend's bed when her parents were asleep across the hall. Of course, I had better stories, but I had never been one to kiss and tell. I didn't think Victoria or Tanya would appreciate it if Emmett knew all of the things that I had done to them... individually, and together.

By this time, everyone looked at Bella expecting a story. She was biting hard on her lip.

"Careful, or you'll go right through," I said, tossing a couch cushion at her. She batted it away with a small grin.

"Funny," she said, taking a long drink of her beer. I looked over and saw the rest of the room was still looking at her, expectantly. "What?" she asked, irritated.

"Come on, Bells. You owe us a raunchy sex story!" Emmett cried, even more bombastic than usual given his mostly-drunk state. Bella shook her head.

"No I don't," she said, returning to biting her lip with vigour.

"What's the matter?" he slurred. "You're not a virgin are you?" This piqued my interest, and I watched Bella intently.

"No," she said, defensively, at the same time that Alice cried "Yes!"

The remaining four of us looked between the two of them, confused. I was more than curious now.

"Well, which is it, no or yes?" Rosalie asked. Bella rolled her eyes, and started to speak, when Alice loudly cut her off once more.

"Bella's virginity is a point of contention," she slurred. She pointed to Bella. "SHE says no, but I say yes." I couldn't help but notice the daggers Bella's eyes were shooting at Alice. Clearly this point of 'contention' was a sore spot for her. I wanted to jump in and stop the crusade against Bella, when Emmett started up again.

"What was it, Bells?" he asked. "Is it like a 'just the tip' sorta thing?" I rolled my eyes. This was _so_ not our business, if Bella didn't want it to be.

"Yea, something like that," she mumbled, taking a swift drink of her beer.

"Well, I say 'just the tip' don't count," Emmett announced. I opted to jump in and end the onslaught before anyone could upset her more, though I had to admit, I was more than curious about the question of Bella's virginity.

"Okay, truth, Emmett. Hit me with one," I said. Everyone's eyes shifted from Bella to me, and I caught her gaze. She offered me what looked like a thankful smile, and I just nodded back, waiting for whatever God awful thing Emmett would ask of me. If it meant making Bella comfortable again, I would answer just about anything.

We continued our game for a little while longer, until Emmett and Rosalie decided to start molesting each other on the couch, which rapidly caused the rest of us to disperse. Jasper quickly made his way downstairs, while Bella pulled a _very_ drunk Alice upstairs. I tried to avert my gaze from the dry humping couple while I collected the empty bottles and brought them into the kitchen.

As I made my way back to the stairs, I could hear Bella and Alice speaking in raised voices. I quickly realized that whatever it was, it wasn't my business. I decided to take my leave from the danger zone (also known as: the Rose and Emmett love nest), and hurry downstairs to the safe confines of my room.

Once I was in my room I felt my two beers hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't drunk, not by a mile, but it had been just enough to make me very, _very_ tired. I quickly pulled my clothes off and climbed into bed in my boxers. Closing my eyes, I allowed my thoughts to drift to my day with Bella. Between our trip to Kittery, her strange behaviour at the block party, and her cryptic response to the question of her virginity, I had more than enough mystery to chew on.

I tried to quickly drift off and let all thoughts of Bella leave me, when I recalled the yelling between her and Alice. I had never heard Bella raise her voice—not in fear, not in joy, not in anger. I had never seen her really show any sort of heightened emotion. I wondered what she could possibly be discussing with Alice that would have her so upset.

**BPOV**

After the disaster of Emmett's stupid game, I dragged Alice up the stairs, ignoring her drunken complaints. I couldn't believe what she had done. I couldn't believe she, even drunk, would betray me in such a way, and especially not in front of Edward. I was livid.

To say I was thankful when Edward redirected the attention from me to himself, would be an understatement. Although he had no way of knowing why I was upset by the question, he still somehow seemed to. I was, once again, enthralled by his uncanny ability to read me after such a short time. I decided rather than be upset by his observances, I would appreciate them. If he could save me from every awkward situation just by knowing how to read me, then I would welcome it. He had already saved me once that day—who knew he'd be able to do it again?

Alice whined as I dragged her into her room, and slammed the door behind us. I figured everyone else would be too distracted by Emmett and Rosalie's humping to notice.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I exclaimed. Alice just wobbled in front of me, and I directed her to her bed, where she promptly collapsed. The girl had never been able to handle her liquor, and I could tell she was feeling those four bottles of beer that she downed in rapid succession. She grasped her head in her hands and moaned.

"Ugh, keep it down!" she slurred. I shook my head, too angry to care that she had a headache, and would probably spend the majority of the night puking. If she expected me to hold her hair, she had another thing coming.

"How could you, Alice?" I cried. "In front of everybody. In front of _Edward!"_ Her head lolled a little, and she fell onto her back, legs dangling off the side.

"Come _on_, Bella. Nobody knows," she mumbled. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest.

"You_ know_ how I feel about this, Alice." I watched her drunkenly roll her eyes, and I knew I was probably in for a drunken Alice speech—which were, somehow, usually less effective than sober Alice speeches.

"We've been over this again and again," she moaned. "You're a virgin. It doesn't count." I ground my teeth, unwilling to hear this again.

"It does count, and it doesn't fucking matter. None of it matters." I could tell she was trying to look at me, but her eyes kept closing of their own volition. I only had a few more minutes before she was completely out. "Alice, don't ever do that to me again," I growled. I was still angry with her, but I knew it would do no good to talk to her in this state. She was liable to forget everything that had happened. Alice had a terrible memory when she drank.

I waited another moment, considering continuing with my tirade, but soon realized that it would be fruitless. Alice was out, and I was upset. It would do no good to chew her out for her behaviour when she wasn't in her right state of mind.

With a small growl, I turned on my heel and escaped from her room, slamming the door behind me. I crawled into bed feeling absolutely miserable, and more than a little buzzed. How had a day that started out so well, end so horribly?

* * *

**A/N:** This is the last update before Christmas, so Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated, and they make it seem like Santa has come early :D

Thanks for reading!

Christie.


	7. Chapter 7

**EPOV**

As September came to an end and October began to wear on, I couldn't help the thrill I felt at the progress I was making with Bella. Though she was verbally a closed book, her body gave her away in almost every circumstance. I found I had become somewhat of an expert at decoding Bella—maybe Business wasn't the right path for me. I should have majored in Bellanomics.

I loved that she flushed a bright red when she was embarrassed, and I found it insanely adorable how easily she became so. A compliment, an insinuation, even a brief touch could send the crimson flow up her neck, turning her ears a bright pink, and flushing her cheeks. Although I didn't _want_ to embarrass her, I often found myself purposely doing things to bring out that lovely tone. She looked breathtaking when flushed. It made me consider other ways that I could bring out the colour on her soft, pale pallor.

I'd also begun to understand Bella's reactions to most things. If she was uncomfortable with a topic, almost instantly her arms would wind around her middle, protectively. It made it incredibly easy to avoid topics of conversation that would shut her down. When she was happy, she was physically open, she faced me directly, and even if she wasn't laughing or smiling, her eyes were alight. This was my favourite way to view Bella—alive, happy, bright.

There was another stance that I had come to recognize quickly from Bella, although I'd only seen it a few times. That was fear. When something frightened Bella, her expressive eyes would widen, and her entire being would tense, as if from her very core. If ever I saw her standing stock still, I knew that something had happened, either in the real world, or within the world of her own mind, that had stunned her into an unmoving, unblinking statue.

On every occasion that I encountered this version of Bella, I had been quick to react, to take care of whatever had frightened her so. Unfortunately, whenever I asked her, she would immediately back down, paste on a sadly fake smile, and excuse herself. I'd look around, making sure there wasn't some pervert looking in our windows, or a massive spider on the wall... anything that would make sense of her reaction—but there never was. I was wishing more and more that she would just be open with me.

Through all of the progress I had made with Bella in terms of our friendship, that was one thing I'd never achieved. She wasn't open with me—not about what really plagued her, and I was learning more and more that there was something there, deep within her, that often paralyzed her with fear. I wondered what in the world was on her mind that had taken her prisoner in such a way, and I couldn't help the nagging feeling that it had something to do with her initial response to me upon becoming roommates.

I supposed I was reaching, looking for any explanation for her previous behaviour toward me, but I decided quickly not to push. My relationship with Bella had begun to blossom at a steady pace, and I was determined not to do anything to quell our progress. I wanted more with her, I'd known it since the first time I'd laid eyes on her, but I knew that with Bella it would take time. Time was something that I was more than willing to give her, as long as she seemed responsive. Thankfully, she did.

After the multiple incidents the night of the block party, Bella had become much more relaxed with me. It was like she had finally opened her eyes and realized that I did not have any negative intentions toward her. All I wanted, for the time being, was to be her friend. Although my personal goals were further reaching than that, I was well aware that a real relationship with Bella would not happen overnight. I would have to pay my dues, and I was happy to.

Bella seemed to be open to a real friendship with me, and I felt us becoming closer each and every day. The time even came—after several weeks, of course— that she no longer shrunk away from my touch. By late October I was finally able to touch her shoulder, tuck her hair behind her ear, or hug her after a hard day. It may have seemed like a small step to anyone else, but for me, it was a triumph. It showed that Bella trusted me, if not entirely with her mind yet, with her body. She knew I wouldn't hurt her.

I wondered idly if that had been her fear all along—that I would hurt her. She seemed so tense around men who showed an interest, while not so much around men that were otherwise occupied. It would explain why she had been so quick to befriend Emmett and Jasper, who both had quickly been linked to Rosalie and Alice, and why she was so timid with me. I considered that maybe I hadn't been so covert with my immediate desire for her. Maybe, at some point, I had shown some sort of aggression that had turned her away in fear.

I thought hard about that, worried that I had somehow unintentionally made her afraid of me. I considered my actions toward her in the two months that I'd known her, and could come up with nothing that could be construed as threatening. I decided not to worry myself about it. What mattered was that after those two short months, Bella was someone I could consider a friend, a confidant, and I was incredibly thankful for that fact.

As October came to an end, I had precious little time to worry about the state of my relationship with Bella. I was finally beginning to understand what everyone had warned me about in high school, that University was _hard._ As I sat at the desk in my room one Sunday evening, slaving over yet another paper I realized that they had been absolutely right. I wanted to get away from the endless papers and tests and projects. In high school, a 1000 word essay had seemed mildly terrifying, but sitting there that Sunday night, 1500 words into a 5000 word paper, I really began to realize just how easy I'd had it.

I wondered if they would take me in the circus. I couldn't do flips or anything like that, but I was pretty sure I could juggle, with some practise. Slap a red nose on me, and call me Bubbles—just get me the hell away from this damn paper.

I knew I couldn't walk away, but when the words on the page all began to blur under my weary vision, I decided it was way past time for a break. I checked my clock, finding it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. The late afternoon sun was still peaking into the small window in my room, and I could hear the voices outside becoming louder and louder.

It was then that I remembered that the second block party was that evening. Sighing heavily in resignation, I realized that I would have to miss it. I had way too much work to do, and not nearly enough time to do it. It was time to put on my big kid undies and buckle down.

God, I hated it when my inner voice sounded like my father.

I dragged myself out of my hard desk chair, cursing it for not having a decent cushion, and stretched for the first time in several hours. My muscles ached and moaned as I loosened them, and my bones cracked in my back as I twisted. I would really have to try to fit some form of exercise into my regime. With a quick glance back at my incomplete paper, I shook that thought away. Who the heck had time for exercise? Hell, who had time for anything in this hell hole called university?

I shook my head, fighting away the emo thoughts. I _really_ needed to get out of my room.

As I bounded up the stairs I could hear the whole group in the living room, making plans for the evening. I entered and flopped down unceremoniously on the couch next to Jasper. My face must have betrayed my fatigue, because everyone looked at me with curious expressions.

"If I'd known about Dr. Jenson in high school, I would have skipped university all together and become a prostitute," I stated. Everyone seemed to nod their understanding. Though I was the only one who had Dr. Jenson, my Ethics professor, he was notorious around campus.

"You know you'd have to take it up the bum," Emmett said. I raised an eyebrow, totally lost. "If you were a prostitute. All the dudes would be after you."

"I'm beginning to think that'd be preferable," I joked, earning curious glances from the group.

"I knew it!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Knew what?" I asked, not really caring, but knowing he would tell me anyway.

"You're a homo. It explains everything." I rolled my eyes. "Hey man, I'm just sayin'," he explained, "You haven't gotten any pussy since landing in this place, even though the chicks are all over you." I watched, amused, as Rosalie elbowed him hard in the ribs. "What? I'm not sayin' it's a bad thing!"

I just chuckled. Leave it to Emmett to decide that a two-month dry spell with women made me gay. He was right, though—not about the gayness, but about the lack of sex. I hadn't even considered the girls who had attached themselves to me in my various classes. Although I was vaguely aware of their interest, they held no appeal for me. Maybe if there was no Bella I would have been dating someone else by now, but there was a Bella, and she was the only person I was interested in being with. I couldn't say that, though, with the lady in question sitting in the chair next to me, so I just shook my head.

"You solved it, Emm. I'm gay." He sent a smug look back in Rosalie's direction, but she took no notice, as she, Alice and Bella were all staring at me, wide eyed, mouths agape. Had that really sounded convincing? I looked over to Jasper and found him chuckling to himself. Well, at least he knew I wasn't serious. I looked back to Bella, and found that she had corrected her visage, although, if I didn't know better, I could swear there was a hint of disappointment in her expressive brown eyes.

"Hey," I said softly to her, she looked up, meeting my eyes. "I'm kidding." I couldn't help the way my heart sped up when I saw her visibly relax. She shook it off quickly and rolled her eyes.

"I knew that." I smiled, before realizing that while this small moment had been happening, the rest of our roommates were watching intently. Thankfully, before the moment could be ruined by awkwardness, my wonderfully perceptive buddy Jasper broke the tension.

"So are we getting out of here or what? They should be barbequing the burgers by now," he said. I inwardly cursed my Ethics prof, and slumped back into the couch.

"Ugh, I can't go," I moaned.

"How come?" Alice asked, sounding mildly offended. Once again, she had largely commandeered the event.

"I've got to work on this paper. There's just no way I can go out tonight." Alice didn't seem pleased, but she didn't question me further.

"I can't go either," Bella said from beside me. I quickly turned my glance to her from Alice.

"What's your excuse?" Alice demanded. Bella sighed heavily.

"I have a midterm tomorrow that I'm definitely going to fail if I don't study. But you guys go have fun," she said, pulling herself out of the chair and heading toward the stairs. I watched her retreat up to her room, trying my best not to look as excited as I was at the prospect of being in the house alone with her. I startled as I felt Jasper lightly elbow me in the side.

"What?" I asked, my voice low. The rest of the group was chatting animatedly, and Jasper had leaned in close to me.

"What's taking so damn long with you two?" he asked in his thick drawl. I sighed deeply. The only person who knew about my true feelings for Bella was Jasper. I had been confiding in him since we met, immediately put at ease by his approachability and respect for privacy. He was a good friend. I shrugged in response to his question.

"You know Bella," I mumbled. He nodded his understanding. He was perceptive about her, too. Our conversation was cut short when Alice stood up, announcing that it was time for them to leave. I decided to grab a bite to eat from the kitchen before heading back down to the devil's lair to finish my paper.

**BPOV**

I fell back on my bed, pulling out my notes and trying hard to focus on them. My midterm would probably be a breeze, but in all honesty, I was desperate for anything that would get me out of that miserable block party. After the disaster of the last one, I was in no rush for a repeat performance.

I thought back to that day, and immediately my stomach clenched in embarrassment and irritation. I had long since forgiven Alice for her drunken slip, but it was hard to forget the moment that had my entire group of roommates questioning my virginity. It mortified me all over again when I imagined the look on Edward's face when Alice was explaining the "point of contention". Ugh. Fucking Alice.

Edward, on the other hand, seemed to have forgotten all about the incident as soon as the next day dawned, as had the rest of the group. I was more than thankful for their short memories, as the topic of my 'V' card never came up again.

I considered the way Edward had jumped in to take the bullet for me that night. In the time since then, he had saved me from numerous embarrassing situations, and had placed me in just as many. It didn't take long to realize that Edward liked to push my buttons, but I wasn't complaining. He teased me, but it was all in good fun. I couldn't help but feel at ease around him when he had never done anything to make me feel otherwise. Even when I was mildly uncomfortable with some line of questioning, he quickly changed the subject. I wondered idly if he could somehow read my thoughts.

That thought both amused and frightened me. What would he think if he could read my thoughts? If he knew all of my deepest, darkest secrets? I felt nauseous at that thought. He couldn't know. Thankfully, he didn't push.

As I returned my eyes to my notes, it didn't take another minute for my attention to wander once again. Tonight was the first night that Edward and I had been alone in the house together, since the rest of the group was out enjoying the block party, and probably would be for hours. I tried to determine how I felt about that.

I had been home alone with just about every other member of our group, and I had never thought twice about it. But this wasn't just anyone. This was Edward. I was torn between wanting to hide out until Alice was back, or to run downstairs and kiss him. Although kissing sounded like a thoroughly enjoyable choice, I opted to stick to my room. I still wasn't ready to be with Edward, even if my hormones and girly parts disagreed. As much as I wanted him, I desperately didn't want to want him. I fought it with every ounce of my strength.

The evening seemed to pass at a snails pace. My eyes alternated between my notes and my clock, and found that every minute lasted an hour. By six o'clock, I couldn't bear to look at those damn notes anymore. I grumbled to myself about being a studying 'newb', and pulled out of bed, padding to the door. I hesitated slightly, wondering if I would see Edward if I were to go down to the kitchen.

"_Of course, it's a possibility... but it doesn't matter. He's just Edward." _I told myself.

"_Sure... _just _Edward. If that's how you want to play it..." _I rolled my eyes. I was not about to argue with myself. "_Yes you are"_ came the voice again.

"Oh, shut up," I said aloud. To myself.

Okay, so I was crazy. I blamed it on the studying, and pulled my door open, heading for the kitchen.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I did a cursory glance at the surrounding area before stepping off the last stair, determining that Edward was nowhere in sight. With a bit of a sigh of relief (or was that disappointment?), I descended the final step and made my way to the kitchen. I pulled a cup out of the cabinet and filled it in the sink, downing it quickly before filling it up once more.

"Thirsty?" I jumped about a mile high when I heard the voice behind me. I quickly spun around to find Edward leaning casually against the door frame to the kitchen. "Sorry," he said," I didn't mean to scare you." I shook my head, feeling a flush rising up my cheeks.

"No, you didn't," I lied. I took a sip of my water, hoping to distract him from my rosy cheeks. It didn't work—I could tell, because he grinned that same, sexy grin that he grinned whenever my damn blush made him grin. Fucking sexy grin.

"How goes the studying?" he asked, sauntering into the kitchen and grabbing a cup. He came to stand beside me at the sink, and I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I both loved and hated the tingles I felt when he was close enough for me to smell him. He smelled really good.

"Ugh," I moaned. "I'm beginning to wonder if Intro Spanish was used as a form of torture sometime in the past." My heart beat a little faster when he chuckled that sexy chuckle. I watched him intently as he brought his cup to his lips and sipped the water. As he pulled the cup away, a little moisture had gathered on his lips, and his tongue darted out to catch it. From my close proximity, it was one of the sexiest things I had ever experienced. It felt like it happened in slow motion.

"_You are so fucking lame," came_ the voice in my head.

"_I know." _I conceded to myself. I was fucking lame. I was practically drooling over a guy licking his lips. I needed to escape to my room before I did something I would regret—but I really didn't want to.

"I suck at languages. I stopped taking them as early as I could in high school," Edward said. Or at least, I think that's what he said. I was too intrigued by the way his mouth moved as he formed words to really listen to what he was saying.

"_Well, that's what you get for thinking about kissing him for the last two hours."_

"_I wasn't thinking about that the whole time."_

"_Yes you were."_

"Shut up," I mumbled to myself, momentarily forgetting about Edward being so close. He looked down at me with curious amusement.

"What'd you say?" he asked. I shook my head, embarrassed.

"Umm... I said... Like what?" He looked utterly confused.

"What?" he asked again.

"Like what... languages were you studying?" I asked.

"_Nice save, douche."_

"_Shut up."_

"Oh," he said, seemingly appeased. "Umm, mostly Spanish. Though my parents insisted on French classes." I was mildly interested.

"Why French?"

"Because they love Paris," he said with a small laugh, taking another drink. I watched his adams apple bob as he swallowed. He had a sexy neck.

"Have you ever been there?" I asked. _"Please distract me. I'm failing."_

"Once, when I was a kid. We were there for the summer." I pondered this. Who brings their kid to Paris?

"I didn't know Paris was a family destination." He laughed. I loved his laugh.

"It's not," he said, setting his glass down in the sink. "It's the freakin' city of love. They got an au pair for the summer and left me in her care while they went off to be gross with each other." I was lost after he mentioned the "city of love". I really needed to get back to studying. I was about to make that statement when he turned toward me and leaned against the counter. "What about you?" he asked.

"What about me?" He smirked the way he did when he was flirting with me, which always made me a little weak.

"Ever been to the city of love?" he asked, his voice low, gravelly. I swallowed hard, not wanting him to know how he affected me. Normally he backed down quickly when flirting with me. I couldn't decide if I wanted that this time. I shook my head.

"My dad was more of a weekend fishing kind of guy. I spent a lot of time with trout." He continued to smirk.

"It really is a beautiful city. I should take you to see it sometime," he suggested with a wink. Oh god, I was not going to make it out of this. Danger, Will Robinson! I could think of nothing to say, so I said nothing. Unfortunately, I also couldn't make my brain work effectively enough to remove myself from the situation, so I stood there immobile as the smirk left his face, and his eyes darkened slightly.

"Bella," he whispered, his voice deeper than usual. It sent tingles through me immediately, and my sense of self preservation vanished. In a moment of insanity (or, one could argue, my first moment of _sanity_), I quickly closed the gap between us, marvelling in the way his lips felt against mine. I had dreamed of this feeling for two months, and it was better than I ever imagined it would be.

Edward hesitated momentarily, but before I could back out, he was kissing me back with fervency. One of his hands tangled in my hair, keeping me trapped against his lips, while his other found the small of my back, trapping me against his body. I didn't feel trapped, though. I felt exhilarated, and I leaned into his touch, pulling him even closer with my arms around his neck.

The kiss was exactly as passionate as one would expect after two months of bizarre sexual tension. It was hurried, hard, but still somehow soft. Edward was delicate in his passion, and if my brain had been working in that moment, I would probably have realized that he was trying to make our first kiss special. I collapsed into him and opened my mouth, longing to taste him.

It wasn't until I heard the front door open and the voices of Alice and Rosalie wafting through the house that I fully realized what was happening. Immediately, I pulled away forcefully, the reality of the event seeping into me. My immediate response was to run away.

"I uhh...I have to study. More. Test," I stuttered, making my un-coordinated exit. I heard a mumbled response from Edward in my wake, but couldn't determine what he had said. It didn't matter. I raced to my room and locked the door behind me, panting heavily as I leaned against it.

"_You're an idiot," _my inner voice chastised. I swallowed hard, dropping to sit on the floor in defeat.

"_I'm such an idiot."_

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**A/N:**There, I gave you some love. Now maybe you can give me some in return? Reviews are muchly appreciated!

Thanks for reading :)

Christie


	8. Chapter 8

**EPOV**

I wasn't entirely sure about the series of events that led me to be sitting alone in my room rocking a hard on and a massive case of confusion. One moment we had been talking about languages and family vacations, and the next, after some mild, _mild_ flirting, we were locked together like our lives depended on it.

When Bella kissed me, I was momentarily stunned. She showed more confidence in one millisecond than she had for the entirety of the two months that I'd known her. Once I managed to muddle past that shock, though, I was able to respond the way I wanted to. The way I'd wanted to since I first saw her.

I didn't want the moment to end, so I did whatever I could to prolong it. When I felt her slipping away, I cupped the back of her head, holding her lips to my own, reveling in the sweet taste of her mouth, and I allowed an arm to snake around her middle, bringing her body to mine. Every part of our bodies that touched seemed to burst with sensation, I could feel every move, every twitch, every breath. I felt I could drown in her when she allowed her arms to tightly wind around my neck and pulled me down closer to her.

When I felt her mouth open beneath mine, I had to fight not to smile. She was opening herself to me. She was letting me in. I slowly, very slowly, opened my own mouth and allowed my tongue to tentatively dart out. Before I knew what was happening, though, Bella was ripped from me, and the voices of Rosalie and Alice filled the foyer. I was about to shoot Bella a smile, to encourage her to try again once the interruption had passed, but my words were stopped in my throat. She looked petrified, and my heart sunk into my stomach.

Backing away from me, in the direction of the door, she stuttered something about studying. I tried to sound encouraging, like it didn't bother me that she was essentially running away from what had just happened between us. I just said, "Okay," and watched as she, quite literally, bolted up the stairs. I cringed when I heard her bedroom door slam, and fell back against the counter to recouperate.

It had been so perfect. How on earth had it all gone wrong so quickly?

That question was answered when Alice and Rosalie sauntered into the kitchen with bemused expressions.

"What's her problem?" Rosalie asked. I just shrugged, unwilling to share the events that had just transpired with _anyone_ other than Bella—at least not until I had figured them out myself. The only thing I knew was that I had just shared the most amazing experience I'd ever had with someone, and immediately afterward, she ran away. I bit my lip to keep from commenting, and rapidly made my exit. I could hear Rosalie and Alice mumbling in the background, but I didn't care to hear what they were saying. I entered my room much in the same fashion that I pictured Bella entering hers, slamming the door behind me, and sinking down to the floor, leaning against it.

What the hell just happened?

The next day passed in a haze. I wandered around campus from class to class, avoiding eye contact with anyone. I hadn't seen Bella since the kiss, and my nerves were growing more and more frayed with every moment that passed. When I returned to the house, I quickly decided that I had to talk to Bella, or I would probably lose my mind entirely. I bounded up the stairs quickly, but when I finally made it to her bedroom, I found it was empty. When I asked Alice about it, she made some excuse for Bella's absence, stating that she was in a study group and would be gone for most of the evening. To my knowledge, Bella hadn't been involved in a study group.

I tried to ignore the pang in my chest when I considered that she may have joined one for the sole purpose of avoiding me. That would be extreme, even for Bella. I tried to push those thoughts aside, deciding I was being paranoid. Studying was important. Obviously Bella just felt a study group would help her focus better.

I didn't feel like talking to anyone else once I found out that Bella was gone. I decided to go to my room, close the door, and try to focus on the readings for my classes. I hoped that Bella would be up for talking with me when she returned home that evening.

After reading for several hours the words began to blur. Despite my desire to speak with Bella, I found myself succumbing to a study-induced coma. One moment my eyes were drooping, and the next, it was morning, and I was being jolted awake by the irritating buzz of my alarm clock. I silently cursed myself for wasting time, but was determined to make the most of my Tuesday. I wouldn't let another day pass without discussing the kiss with Bella. It was necessary, considering the way she ran off. I had to know what she was thinking, and I had to stop her from retreating from me. My biggest fear was that things would return to how they had been at the beginning of the semester. I didn't think I could handle it if Bella began avoiding me again.

I anxiously sat through my first class of the day, knowing that Bella was in class down the hall at the same time. Every time I needed to speak with her it felt like this, like she was so close, but so far away at the same time. There was always some barrier stopping me from making whatever progress I needed to make, and usually that barrier was Bella herself. I decided I wouldn't let her escape me this time. This was a conversation that needed to be had, and I wouldn't let her run away from it. Hopefully she would see the necessity as much as I did.

As the class wound down, my nervous energy began to get the best of me. I tapped my foot rapidly, earning an annoyed glare from the professor, until finally class was over. I don't think I'd ever left a classroom so swiftly in my life, given my haste to make it to Bella's classroom before I missed her.

I sighed in relief when Bella filed out of her classroom just as I made it to the door. I watched her as she took a cursory glance around, saw me, startled, and attempted to rush in the other direction. She _was_ avoiding me. The realization came like a punch to the gut.

"Bella," I called after her. I watched her as she came to an abrupt stop. She seemed to face away from me for a moment too long, before turning around with a friendly, if fake smile on her face, and made her way to where I was standing.

"Hey Edward," she greeted. "I didn't see you there." I raised my eyebrows, and she bit her lip, reddening slightly under my gaze.

"You're avoiding me," I commented.

"No I'm not," she insisted, shaking her head with the appearance on nonchalance. But her true feelings were betrayed by her arms crossing tightly over her chest— she was uncomfortable, feeling threatened. Under normal circumstances I would have relaxed my stance to show that I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable, but for the time being, I maintained my tall stance and my expression of disbelief. I watched her crumble under my stare. After a moment of self protection, she sighed deeply and uncrossed her arms, her shoulders dropping ever so slightly. This was a position I hadn't encountered— I wondered, was it a position of acceptance, or submission?

"Okay, I am," she admitted after a long moment. I relaxed my stance to mimic hers, now that we were speaking truthfully.

"Why?" I asked, my voice calm. I didn't want her to raise her barriers. I wanted to have a candid conversation with her, for once. She just shrugged. "Please, Bella," I implored her. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, but didn't answer my question, and didn't look in my direction. My stomach was in knots. "Do you regret kissing me?" I asked. Her eyes finally met mind, looking tired.

"I don't know," she said with a bit of a shrug. She wasn't being very forthcoming. My queasiness didn't abate.

"How can you not know?" She shrugged once again. Her non-committal attitude was beginning to grate on my nerves. How could we share something so heated, so passionate, only to have her act like this? "You've got to give me something, Bella. I'm going crazy here." My voice betrayed my irritation, and she began to gnaw at her lower lip even harder.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, her head down.

"I don't want you to apologize, Bella. I want to know what the hell is going in with you. With us." Again, she said nothing. I was beyond infuriating.

"That's it? You have nothing to say?" I demanded. I doubted getting angry with her was the best way to get through to her, but I couldn't control my feelings. She had been messing with my emotions since I met her, and it felt like all of that was finally coming to a head in this one moment, in the middle of the hallway in Evaristus Hall, in front of God and whoever else happened to be watching.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Edward," she said, her voice low, but steady. She seemed to have a much better handle on her emotions than I did—but from my perspective, she didn't seem to be feeling much of anything. Anything would have been better from her than just this blank nothingness. How could I be going through these intense emotions about a woman who just _didn't care_?

"Did it mean anything to you?" I asked, silently begging her to justify my feelings. I watched her nod slowly.

"Yes." I stopped, waiting for her to elaborate, but she never did.

"Bella, I want to be with you," I admitted, losing the carefully constructed control I'd put in place for fear of pushing too hard, or coming on too strong. For that moment, I didn't care if I made her uncomfortable, she would just have to deal with it. "I don't know what happened to you that made you so distant. I don't know why you seem so utterly terrified of me all the time. I don't know why you're so afraid to let me in. All I do know is that I want you, and I really believe you want me too."

"Edward, please," she said, her voice laced with emotion.

"Please be with me, Bella." I asked—no, begged. I could feel my heart beating rapidly, and felt oddly short of breath. The strain was significant.

"You don't want to be with me," she insisted. I shook my head hard.

"Don't tell me what I want." I felt angry, but also very afraid. I had laid myself bare in front of her, and she was rejecting me. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if she was blocking me out.

"Please don't do this, Edward. Please." I felt my heart sting from her pain, and the rejection. The tension between us was palpable. She opened her eyes, and watched me intently for a moment."I can't be with you," she said, seemingly as if it hurt her to say it.

"Why not?" I hoped my voice didn't betray my disappointment.

"I just can't." It wasn't enough.

"Can't you give me a reason? I think I deserve that much." She just bit her lip again. A tense silence passed between us, only to be broken by another voice coming from beside me.

"Edward?" I was pulled from my haze, and found a young woman with long dark hair and glasses looking up at me. She looked from me, to Bella, before returning to me. "I'm not interrupting, am I?" she asked. I swallowed hard and shook my head, forcing a smile.

"No, Angela, you're not. What's up?" I asked, trying to seem as normal as possible. Angela was a girl I knew from my Ethics class. I didn't know her well, but she had always been very nice to me. She looked tentatively at Bella once more before turning back to me with a friendly smile.

"Umm, I was actually wondering if you were busy tonight?" she asked. My brain fought to make sense of the question. Tonight. What was I doing tonight? My basic plan had been to wallow in self pity.

"Why?" I asked. She bit her lip nervously. It was cuter when Bella did it.

"Well, there's this band playing at the coffee shop. I was kind of wondering if you wanted to go with me." I was taken slightly aback. She wanted to go out with me? She was asking me out here, in front of Bella? I chanced a glance back in Bella's direction, but found her watching our conversation impassively. I turned back to Angela and found her fidgeting slightly. I realized that I was probably making her more nervous than necessary.

"Umm, which band?" I asked, buying time to contemplate my situation. I didn't want to go out with Angela. She was nice, but the only person I wanted was Bella. But Bella had just rejected me. Was I really going to trade in a night with a really nice, beautiful girl, to wallow over a relationship that would never happen? Was I willing to give up on Bella that quickly? The questions raced through my mind unharnessed. I didn't hear Angela's response, and only tuned back into her when she began rambling.

"...I mean, if you're busy, I totally understand... I'm sure you have lots to do," she seemed to be trying to backpedal, and she was slightly flushed. I felt a pang of regret for putting her through that.

"I'm not busy," I said quickly—apparently my mouth had made a decision before my brain did. She stopped talking, looking surprised. I turned to Bella. "I mean... I'm not busy, right?" I asked. This was her chance. If she was going to salvage this, then she would have to put on her big kid undies and do it now.

She squared her shoulders and shook her head, but I could swear I saw disappointment in her eyes.

"No, you're not busy," she said with about as much certainty as I felt—absolutely none. I felt my heart sink. Gathering myself, I turned back to Angela, forcing a smile.

"I'll pick you up at seven?" I asked. She looked utterly confused, her gaze passing between Bella and myself. I felt bad for interjecting her into my personal dramas. It was really just bad timing on her part. She nodded slowly, offering a smile.

"I'm in 8 Blue," she told me. I banked the information as best I could, and offered a congenial parting as I swiftly removed myself from the situation, walking away from Angela, and, more importantly, walking away from Bella. It hurt me to do it, but I just couldn't sit back and let my feelings for her control me anymore. I had to have more, or I had to have nothing. Bella had made that decision for me.

As I prepared for my date that evening, I felt two things: hope, that somehow my feelings for Bella would fade away if I began to have feelings for someone else, and disgust that I was willing to let Angela become a stand in for someone I cared for so much.

**BPOV**

I spent the day after my kiss with Edward hiding like a little girl. I didn't want to talk to him, for fear that he would want more from me, and also for fear that I would give it to him. I felt completely torn between my brain and my heart, and it was too hard to try to make a decision within his presence. Like a total coward, I lied to Alice about a study group, and spent almost all of Monday afternoon and evening hiding in the library. I was thankful to find that Edward was sound asleep when I returned home well after 10pm.

The next morning I rushed off to class early, once again, in avoidance. Edward and I had class at the same time in Evaristus Hall, so we usually walked there together. I managed to successfully avoid him that morning, and couldn't decide whether to give myself a pat on the back, or bang my head against a wall. I was being completely pathetic.

When my class was over I had every intention of continuing my avoidance rituals by once again hunkering in the depths of the library until late at night. I was mentally mapping out my plans when I exited the classroom and found Edward standing there waiting for me.

My first reaction was to run away, and like the pathetic little girl I was, that's exactly what I tried to do—but Edward stopped me. Of course he did. He didn't avoid uncomfortable situations like I did. He was a grown up.

As I faced that conversation with him, I felt like a complete dunce. Every question he asked was met with a non-committal, monosyllabic response. Even as I watched him grown more and more upset, I did nothing to stop it. Had I been an outside observer, I would probably have kicked my own ass for being such a douchebag. Edward had never been anything but nice to me, and here I was treating him like it meant nothing.

When he asked me if the kiss meant something to me, I took one look at his face, and knew I couldn't lie. Of course it meant something. It meant everything. That was the problem. It meant that all of my defence mechanisms had failed against him. It meant that all of my plans were nothing in comparison to him. It meant that he had the capacity to hurt me in the worst ways. I couldn't tell him that, though, so I settled for a simple, "Yes."

As he poured his heart out to me, begging me to be with him, I felt like a complete wreck. I didn't deserve this man. He was putting so much effort into our relationship, and I was putting him through hell, without any way of ever paying him back. I would never be right for him. I would never be good enough. I would always be this person, this emotionally stunted moron.

His face when I turned him down made me want to fling myself off a cliff. What kind of a heartless bitch was I, to be able to so callously turn away such a wonderful person like Edward? He was, for all intents and purposes, perfect. He was infallible. He was wonderful to me. I was nothing.

The only thing that hurt me more than his face upon being turned down, was his acceptance of a date with Angela. I knew I had pushed him into it, but it still didn't quell the pain in my chest as they made their arrangements, and as he ran away from me.

What had I done? What had I pushed him to do? Why was I so willing to let us both suffer when one word, one gesture from me, could fix it all?

I returned to the house that evening a total wreck, and just like always, Alice noticed. She followed me closely up to my room, closing the door behind us, and wrapping me up in her arms while I cried.

After what seemed like ages of sniffling, dripping, sobbing, and snotting all over my best friend, I finally managed to pull myself together. Alice took a quick look at the wet spot on her cardigan, and wrinkled up her face in distaste before removing it.

"Well, that's a write-off," she said, tossing it away. I laughed lightly. She always knew how to make me smile, no matter how upset I was.

"Sorry," I said, wiping at my puffy, red eyes. She put her hand on my back and began to make small circles on it. Sometimes Alice seemed like a little sister, and other times she seemed like the mom I never got to have. She was always everything I needed her to be.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked softly. I knew I would tell Alice all of the gory details, but it didn't stop me from wanting to avoid that conversation.

"Not really," I moaned. She rested her head on my shoulder, not stopping the calming circles she was making on my back. I felt myself relax into her.

"You know you're going to anyway," she said. I chuckled lightly.

"I know," I admitted. A silence followed, in which Alice allowed me a moment to gather my thoughts, before I delved into the story. She was highly irritated that I hadn't told her about the kiss when it happened, but quickly forgave me. When I got to the part detailing my conversation with Edward, she pulled away from me, giving me a glare that made me want to melt into a puddle.

When I finally concluded the story with the tidbit of information about Edward's date with Angela, Alice had her arms crossed and was shaking her head at me. There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments following the end of the story, and I could tell, Alice was gearing up to give me a good telling off. I couldn't blame her, I deserved it—of course, I deserved it mostly from Edward.

"What the fuck, Bella?" She demanded after the long silence.

"I know. I'm such an idiot." She nodded emphatically.

"Uh, yea. That's putting it mildly."

"Okay, not really helping here, Alice," I said, staring down at my hands which lay lifeless in my lap. She shifted so she was facing me more directly, and reached out, cupping my chin in her hand and forcing my head up to look at her.

"Bella, I don't know what else to say to get through to you," she said, shaking her head, before dropping mine. "I just can't believe you'd let him go after all of that. It doesn't make any sense."

"Alice, I don't deserve him." She looked at me sharply.

"Maybe you should let him make that decision. You didn't even give him a chance to try."

"He wouldn't want me if he knew. I'm damaged goods." She smacked my arm with an open hand. Alice often became violent when she was really irritated.

"Stop it. You have no idea how Edward would react." She crossed her arms angrily in front of her. "No, you know what? You know exactly how he would react. You know how supportive he is, how he would be. You know how much he cares about you, because he told you point blank. You've been absolutely ridiculous where Edward is concerned from day one! It's a wonder the guy wants to talk to you at all."

I looked down at the ground, feeling even lower than before. Of course, Alice was right, but it still hurt to hear it.

"I know," I mumbled, wanting to curl into a ball and hide away from everyone, Alice included. A silence passed between us, and I chanced a glance at her, finding her with her eyes closed, breathing deeply. This was what Alice always did when she felt she was about to lose her temper. I decided not to interrupt.

When she finally opened her eyes, she seemed visibly calmer. It always amazed me that she could so easily harness her emotions. Nothing ever got the best of her. I envied her for that.

"Bells, you know I love you," she said softly. I nodded. She did, that's why she cared enough to bother with me and my many bad habits. "You've got to tell him." I shot her a look. Of course I wasn't going to tell him. "Hear me out." I sighed deeply, crossing my arms over my chest, and let her continue. "Bella you're hurting him. And worse, you're hurting yourself. Keeping this secret isn't going to make anything better. I know Edward. I know he'll be understanding about this, just like he has been about everything else. You've got to give him a chance to prove himself." I shook my head.

"He won't want me if he knows."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do," I assured her. "I do. I'm damaged..."

"Bella," she interrupted. "I love you, but if you call my best friend 'damaged goods' one more time, I'll kick your skinny ass all the way back to Forks, and let you explain to Charlie how you got there." I couldn't help but crack a smile at that visual.

"Sorry," I said. She shook her head.

"Don't apologize, just don't let it happen again," she smiled at me. It made me feel slightly better, but then I remembered that Edward was out on a date with another girl, and my mood dampened once again.

"I can't do it, Alice. I can't tell him." She frowned, but didn't push the subject.

"Well, what are you going to do now?" she asked. My shoulders sunk.

"I don't know. I mean, he's out with another girl. How much can I really mean to him?" Alice rolled her eyes exaggeratedly.

"Need I remind you, that you told him to go?"

"Well, not in so many words..." I said, before nibbling my lip, which felt oddly tender after a long day of abuse. She was right. I had told him to go. I had, essentially, brought all of this on myself.

"Bells, either be with him, or don't be with him, but don't stay in this state of limbo. If you're not going to be with him, you have to give him a chance to get over you. "I fell back on the bed, feeling completely drained.

"What if I don't want him to get over me?" I asked, selfishly. Alice fell back next to me and took my hand in her own.

"Then stop whining like a little bitch and do something about it."

* * *

**A/N:** I'm sooooo sosososo soooo sorry about the wait. I'm not one of those authors that updates like once a year, I swear. I'm going to make an effort to be much faster on the next one.

I also want to address something quickly. I know from a lot of your reviews that there seems be a common fear that Jacob will somehow swoop in and destroy everything (hmm, I wonder where that idea came from?). You can rest assured that you will never read a story of mine in which Jacob is evil, unlikable, or a major problem for E/B. I like Jacob, therefore I do whatever I can to stop the hate, lol.

Thanks for reading guys! As always, reviews are very much appreciated :)

Christie


	9. Chapter 9

**EPOV**

On the outside I'm sure it appeared that our date was going perfectly. I was attentive to Angela, seemingly interested in learning about her. I laughed in all the right places. I even cracked a couple jokes. It was a great first date, for all intents and purposes—but my mind was elsewhere. It was permanently back at 4 White in the clutches of my beautiful, if difficult roommate. I wasn't sure why I had even agreed to go out with Angela. I knew, logically, that even though I would eventually have to get over Bella, it would not happen overnight. It certainly wouldn't happen the very same day that she turned me down.

Nevertheless, I continued with the charade, ensuring that Angela was having as wonderful a time as possible. I kept her well caffeinated while we listened to the band at the coffee house, we chatted in between sets, and we traded horror stories about our various professors. Angela was a nice girl, and very beautiful. I should have been totally enamoured with her.

When the band finished their final tune Angela and I decided to head back to the Village. It was only about 10pm, but it was a Tuesday night. The sense of responsibility instilled in me by my parents had irritatingly stuck with me when I went off to college. Angela didn't seem to mind bringing the night to a close though, so she gratefully accepted my help slipping on her jacket, and smiled at me as I held the door for her as we journeyed the short distance back.

The conversation stilled in the chilly November evening as we made our way through the quiet street of the Village. I felt a tension rising in me about the fact that I had just successfully faked interest in a date with a lovely girl. I didn't like that I had essentially used Angela that evening to... I don't know what. Get back at Bella? Try to get over her? Neither of those seemed like a good reason to date a girl, and I knew that they were certainly not reasons to keep her on the hook.

I walked Angela to her door, utilizing all of my gentlemanly skills, and smiled politely at her when she turned to me.

"I had a great time, Edward," she said, offering an open, friendly smile. Why couldn't it be this easy with Bella? Angela had spent one day with me and she was already so comfortable. I had been living with Bella for two months and she was practically a closed book. It didn't seem fair. I smiled weakly back at Angela, wishing my put-on jubilance was real.

"Me too," I said. I considered saying more, but the words just weren't coming. Angela put her key in the doorknob and unlocked it, twisting the knob, but not opening the door.

"Do you want to come in for a bit?" she offered, giving me a look that probably would have had any sane man dropping his pants. I exhaled the breath I'd been holding and shook my head.

"I think I'm just going to head home, if that's alright." Angela sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. She seemed unsurprised.

"I figured as much," she said with a small nod and smile.

"What do you mean?"

"You just haven't really seemed _all there_ tonight. No offense." She offered a bit of a grin, indicating that she truly did mean no offense. I felt bad anyway; I thought I'd been hiding my disappointment better than that.

"God, I'm sorry Angela. I probably should have just said _no_ this morning when you asked," I told her. She laughed lightly.

"Don't apologize, Edward. I still had a great time, even if you were somewhere else for most of the evening." Somewhere else? That didn't begin to cover it.

"I had a good time too." She looked at me sceptically. "No, really," I insisted. "You're a great girl. Any guy would be lucky to have you." She smiled, taking her hand off the doorknob and resting it on my forearm.

"Same goes for you, Edward. Maybe Bella just needs a little more time to figure that out." My eyes shot to hers, how did she know? She laughed at my expression. "Don't look so shocked, Edward. I knew I was interrupting something this morning. And if I hadn't known then, you reaction to her name now certainly would have clinched it." I bit my lip. I'd been spending much too much time observing Bella—I was picking up her bad habits.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked. She shrugged, still smiling.

"Maybe not to everyone, but the way you were looking at her today doesn't need much of an explanation. So what's going on there anyway?" I huffed.

"God knows. She's totally not interested in me," I grumbled. Angela rolled her eyes.

"That's bullshit, Edward. You didn't see the look on her face when you walked away." My brow furrowed. Had she been upset? "Now, granted, I didn't stick around long 'cause I don't know Bella well, and she could easily have gone all Tanya Harding on me, but... that look is not for people you're not interested in. Trust me." I cracked a smile, both at the knowledge that Bella had been upset about my date, and also at the visual of Bella going all Tanya Harding on anyone—not on Angela specifically.

"I really wish she'd let me see her looking at me on occasion." Angela nodded.

"Look, you obviously like Bella a lot. Maybe you should just keep working on it. She'd be an idiot to turn you down." I frowned.

"She already did turn me down."

"So try again," she insisted. "She likes you, trust me. So if you really like her, just keep trying. Girls like it when guys actually work for their affections...well, as long as they're not creepy about it. If you give up so easily she'll assume you weren't that interested in the first place, and move on." I couldn't help the grin that came over me. I had just been on a date with this girl, and now she was giving me advice on how to win over the girl I really liked. It was bizarre.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked. She looked confused. "I mean, we just ended a date by talking about another girl, and you don't seem to have any problem with that." Angela chuckled lightly.

"I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic," she said, finally pulling open her door and stepping in. The November breeze was beginning to give me a chill. "Just do me a favour, okay?"

"What's that?"

"Let me know when you two finally get together, so I can hold it over your head forever." I laughed whole-heartedly, for the first time in days. It felt good. She laughed with me. "Goodnight Edward."

"Night Angela," I said with a parting wave. I walked at a brisk pace back to my house, contemplating what she'd told me.

Obviously I wasn't going to just get over Bella, and from the sounds of it, maybe I didn't have to. Despite my earlier conviction to try, I realized that Angela was right. If I really did like Bella—and I did—then I wouldn't just give up after one failed attempt.

But there was still the issue of whatever Bella was hiding. There was more to her than just a girl playing hard to get. Bella was damaged. Something had obviously happened to her to make her so opposed to a relationship with me, and I was going to get to the bottom of it. I had been content to leave it alone before, but now whatever it was, was affecting my life now, and I was going to put a stop to it. Bella's fears had to be put to rest, and I was going to make that happen.

With a fresh wave of conviction, I pulled open the door to 4 White, and without hesitation, bolted up to Bella's room. The door was closed, but I could hear soft music coming from within. I knocked soundly, my heart jumping at the sound of her melodic voice inviting me in.

**BPOV**

After Alice left me alone, I laid on my bed in a funk. She had, like always, introduced me to my own stupidity. Normally that stupidity didn't have such disastrous after-effects though. I had no idea how I would ever get Edward to forgive me, and I knew I had no right to ask. He had given me the golden opportunity to say yes, to be with him, to be happy, and I turned him down. Everything that had happened in the past two months was entirely my fault. I deserved to be flogged.

I couldn't stop the constant ache in my chest at the knowledge that Edward was out with another girl. It hurt me far more than I had any right to hurt after the way I'd treated him. I knew that my feelings for Edward were strong, and real, and were not something that I could just shove away anymore. I had been trying and failing since I met him. The ache was even more pronounced after our kiss, and worsened even more after his admittance of feelings for me. Of course, I'd known for a long time that Edward had feelings for me but he hadn't told me in so many words, and it was hard to hear knowing that I couldn't return them.

Alice was also firm on the issue that I _could_ return his feelings, and that I _should. _She just didn't understand the depth of my pain, the way I felt, why I was so uncomfortable letting him in. How could she? She hadn't been there. She'd been my shoulder to cry on, my rock when I needed one, but she didn't see what happened, she didn't experience it. If she had, I'm sure she would better understand my position.

Edward deserved a girl who was good enough for him, who wasn't someone else's discarded trash. He deserved a beautiful, elegant, intelligent girl. He deserved a girl who he could touch without making her cringe away, who he could kiss without making her want to cry. He deserved Angela, or someone like her, someone not like me.

There was also the issue that Alice was pressuring me steadily to tell Edward about what happened to me. This was something that I had vehemently decided against, knowing full well that it would turn him off of me in a heartbeat, and worse, I would be forced to sit under his pitying gaze for the remainder of the school year. I didn't want to be pitied, not by anyone, but especially not by Edward. By moving away from Washington I had successfully cut the pity out of my life, and I refused to let it back in.

It was times like these where I really wished I had a mom to talk to. Alice was great, but I needed the voice of a wise older woman who could help me. My dad had no sisters, and my mom hadn't had any siblings. It was just me and the old man, who I most definitely could not call up about boy troubles. I could just imagine how uncomfortable that conversation would be.

But then, my dad is predictable. He'd been firmly set against me ever dating any boy ever again after what happened. Whenever Alice would innocently suggest a date in front of him, he would get angry, and make a comment about his shotgun and some poor boys ass. Then he'd threatened Alice with a foot up the ass, but she never took him seriously. He was like a second father to her, so she knew he was harmless. Big angry Chief Swan with his shotgun did little to strike fear into Alice. She was probably a more fearsome creature than he could ever feign to be.

I thought back to the last time I'd liked a boy. Right after breaking up with my first boyfriend I was immediately enamoured with a guy in my class named Tyler. He was tall, handsome—not like Edward, but handsome enough. He was very nice to me, and even took me on a date. But then after what happened to me, Tyler never spoke to me again. He threw me those god awful pitying glances, but kept his distance. That's exactly how Edward would react, I'm sure. I could go from fresh meat to spoiled goods in two seconds.

The worst part of all of the trouble with Edward was that I _wanted_ to be with him. I had wanted to say 'yes' to him that morning more than anything, but I knew I couldn't. I wasn't good enough for this Adonis of a man. He deserved a girl who he could touch, hug, kiss, make love to, who would enjoy his advances. I doubted I could ever find joy in those innocent touches. Although my kiss with Edward had been more than pleasurable, I hadn't found any joy in the feelings I faced afterward, only dread and discouragement. Edward deserved to be treated like the wonderful man he is. I couldn't do that for him.

As I pondered this, I was startled by a loud rapping on my door. I assumed it was Alice coming back to bother me again, but since I hadn't made any progress on my own, I figured it couldn't hurt to let her help me make a game plan where Edward was concerned.

"Come in," I called, just loud enough to be heard. I was lounging on my bed when the door creaked open, and couldn't help the small gasp that escaped my lips when not Alice, but Edward came in, closing the door behind him, and leaning against it. It was the first time any of the guys had been in my room. It was unnerving lying down on my bed with a large man standing just a couple feet away. I scrambled to sit up, not willing to be prone.

"I thought you were on a date," I said, biting my tongue not to say the millions of other thoughts rushing through me. Edward offered a sad smile and made a move to come closer. I tensed, and he stopped, backing up to rest against the door once more.

"I was," he said. His voice sounded tired, but it electrified me all the same. It came in a low rumble that sent shivers through me.

"You're back early," I commented, hoping to achieve nonchalance, though I'm sure I failed. Edward sighed, pushing off the door once more. I tensed again, but this time he ignored it. He came to the side of the bed, towering over me. It was just Edward, but I couldn't help the feeling of being his prey as he looked down upon me. As if realizing my discomfort, he lowered himself to his knees beside my bed, putting himself just below my eye level, consciously giving me the upper hand. My tension melted slightly at the gesture, but I was still on alert having a man in my room regardless.

"I shouldn't have gone in the first place. It wasn't fair to Angela," he said, putting a hand on my knee. I regarded it timidly, but ignored it.

"Why is that?" He shrugged one shoulder.

"She doesn't deserve to be my rebound," he said. I bit my lip.

"How could she be, we weren't together," I argued. He gave me a cold look that immediately made me regret the statement.

"Nevertheless," he said, ignoring my statement. "She did help me to realize something."

"What's that?" I asked, my breath coming shallowly. He fixed his gaze on mine, looking at me with conviction.

"Bella I want to be with you," he said.

"Edward, I..."

"No, Bella," he cut me off. "I want you. And I know you want to be with me too." My mouth clamped shut, not able to say a word against him. His hand brushed my cheek lightly, but I couldn't help my automatic reaction to back away from him. His hand followed until I allowed it. It wasn't threatening, just insistent. "Bells, I don't know what happened to you, or why you won't tell me. But let me tell you this: unless you give me a real, logical reason for why we can't be together, I'm not going to stop trying." He stood up abruptly, walking back to the door and placing his hand on the handle before turning back to me.

"Edward," I said, not really knowing what to say. He shook his head, and pulled the door open.

"Nothing you can say will change how I feel about you Bella. I can promise you that."

"You don't know that."

"I know that. Believe me. Trust me, Bella." He stepped out into the hallway. "Look, You know where to find me if you want to talk. Goodnight, Bells."

With that, he was gone, and my jaw had taken up residence on the floor.

Edward couldn't possibly know what he was talking about, and he had no way to make those promises—but he did. He promised his opinion of me wouldn't change. He promised to keep trying. Why did he care so much?

I flopped back to lay on my bed and curled onto my side, willing the tears to stay away. I desperately didn't want to rehash the incident, but Edward was asking. Could I really deny him an explanation? I closed my eyes in an attempt to sleep away all of my doubts and fears, knowing full well that they would still plague me in the morning.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry, it's a little shorter than most chapters, but it's an important one! And the next chapter is the most important one to date, and if you've noticed, I changed the genre to 'Romance/Angst', so stay tuned!

Thanks for reading everyone. As always, reviews are very much appreciated.

Christie


	10. Chapter 10

**Warning: **Mentions of sexual abuse in this chapter (What? You knew it was coming).

**EPOV**

I'd hoped my nerves wouldn't betray when I walked into Bella's room. I prayed that she would understand that I wasn't going anywhere, and that there was literally nothing she could tell me that would change my mind—well, barring murder, though I highly doubted Bella's sordid past included homicide.

When I left her room I felt like my insides were ready to jump out. I was mentally exhausted from the emotional toll of the day, but physically I was ready to burst. My heart felt like it was hammering out of chest, and my stomach was twisted up in knots that just would not ease. I only hoped that despite my obvious nerves, Bella would believe my devotion and accept it. I badly wanted to give it to her.

I retreated to my bedroom, but left my door slightly ajar in hopes that Bella would have some moment of clarity and decide to come down and talk to me. I had little hope that that would actually happen, but I didn't want a closed door to deter her if she decided to take that small step.

It wasn't really that I felt like I _had_ to know what happened to Bella, it was more so that I didn't know how to move further with her without knowing. I, by nature, was not a nosey person and never had been. I was perfectly happy to let people keep their business theirs, and not bore me with the intimate details of their lives. But this secret, whatever it was, seemed like a mountain standing in between me and the beautiful, wonderful woman I knew Bella was inside. It was one massive insecurity that kept the best part of her from me. I hated that mountain, and I believed that if I knew her secret, I could help her get past it. I wanted to do that for her, but also, perhaps selfishly, for us—what we could be.

The hours ticked by at a snail's pace as I waited impatiently for Bella to decide to come talk to me, but she never did. Around 1AM I gave up entirely and decided to try to sleep, but I had the hardest time drifting off. My mind was replaying everything that had happened in the past several days over and over, and, to make matters worse, all I could hear was Rosalie and Emmett fucking _loudly_ across the hall.

I assumed they had to finish up eventually, but there was just no stopping them. After an hour of barely concealed moans, I gave up on trying to sleep. I felt oddly dirty staying in my room where I could hear them, especially considering their activities only served as a reminder of what I was most like _not_ going to get in the near future, so I decided to head upstairs for a midnight snack, hoping some warm milk might help lull me to the dreamless sleep I wanted so badly.

As I climbed the stairs, the sounds of Emmett and Rose became more and more muted, much to my delight. When I reached the landing, I did a cursory survey of the living area before heading into the unlit kitchen. I flicked on the light and made my way to the fridge, my attention solely on the task at hand. I startled when I heard a voice from behind me.

"You're up late." I jumped and swivelled quickly, finding a pajama-clad Bella looking up at me from the table, her hands resting around a large cup. "There's tea on, if you want some." I stood there in a daze briefly, just looking at her looking at me. Her hair was a tangled mess, and it was tucked behind one ear while the other side hung in front of her face. Her eyes were lined with bluish-tinted bags, and although her face was completely unmarred by wrinkles, she looked older, haggard. It was maddening to see such an ethereal beauty look so tired and sad. I wanted to take all of her pain and harbour it for her, but I couldn't. Whatever scars she bore would not be shared with me until Bella decided they could be.

Rather than say all of this, I just turned away once more to fix myself a cup of tea. I could feel her scrutinizing me as I faced away from her. I wondered what was going on in her mind. The silence between us held a tension that I was eager to dispel, so I asked the first question that popped into my mind.

"So why are you sitting alone in the dark?" I turned to face her and leaned back against the counter with my warm cup in my hands.

"I find it easier to think in the dark." She gestured to the light switch. "Do you mind?" I raised an eyebrow at her request, before crossing the room and flicking the switch back off, leaving the room lit only dimly by the moonlight from the window. In the dark Bella's features were far less pronounced, but the shadows of moonlight played on her face, giving her a mysterious beauty.

"Better?" I asked. She smiled minutely.

"Much. Thanks." I leaned against the doorframe, unsure of whether to stay or go. "So why are you up anyway?" I remembered why, and grimaced at the thought of going back downstairs.

"Tarzan and Jane won't stop having loud, wild jungle sex." Bella laughed. It was small, but significant enough to bring a smile to my face. "What about you? Nocturnal?" She smiled and shook her head.

"I wish that was the reason." She shook her head. "Alice, Jasper, and Jose Cuervo have been drunkenly going at it for about an hour. I left once her bed started banging into the wall between our rooms." I groaned, feeling her pain. Alice was like a fucking banshee in the sack. I'd considered buying her a gag ball for her birthday, hoping she'd take the hint.

"Yea, yours is worse," I said. Bella nodded her agreement.

"Can't argue with you there." I hesitated by the door.

"I guess I should go back to bed." I pushed off the door frame and began to turn.

"Wait." I stopped and turned back to Bella, curious. "Will you stay with me for a bit?" I fought to keep the smile off my face, instead offering a small nod.

"Sure." I made my way to the table, sitting down, but making sure not to sit too close to her. Once I was there, another silence passed between us. I was completely unsure of what to do or say around her. I felt like I'd said my piece, and all that was left was to wait for her.

I sipped my tea, set it down, looked at it, picked it up and sipped it again, and so on for what seemed like an eternity. I glanced at the clock on the microwave, 2:30AM. It was safe to say that my morning classes were not likely going to include me. I sipped my tea again.

"Edward, I want to tell you what happened." My gaze jerked from my tea to Bella, finding her nervously looking back at me, her hands toying with her cup. I swallowed hard.

"Are you sure?" She offered a wry chuckle.

"No." I bit my lip. I didn't want to pressure her. She must have noticed my insecurity, because she reached a tentative hand out, resting it on my forearm. "No, I am." she said, more assuredly. " I am. It's just tough, you know? Like... I don't talk about it. Ever." I put my hand on Bella's, thankful that she didn't pull hers away.

"You can talk to me about anything, Bells." She bit her lip, nodding slowly.

"I need you to promise that what you said before is true—that you won't change your opinion of me. I don't think I could handle it if you did." I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Was I ready to hear this? Could this really change my whole perception of Bella like she insisted it would. I took one look at her, and the answer was clear.

"I promise."

**BPOV**

_**2006**_

When I was in my freshman year of high school I started dating this guy, Lucas. He was a senior, which drove my dad nuts, but he was nice. He was everything I thought I wanted at the time. He was good to me, he took care of me.

Lucas was seventeen, and by no means a virgin, but I was only fifteen, and I wasn't ready to have sex. I told him that, and he respected my decision. We did most things, it wasn't like I was depriving him or anything, but we never went all the way. I mean, he wanted it, clearly, but he never pushed me at all. I felt like I really lucked into a guy who could set aside his own desires for me.

Our relationship was great. He was really sweet, and he liked to show me off at school, which made me fall even more for him. He was exactly how I wanted my first boyfriend to be.

At the end of that year Lucas graduated, just after turning 18, and he got all set to move to Seattle to go to school there. I really didn't want him to go, but I didn't want to say anything about it. He had been really respectful of all of my decisions, so I had to be respectful of his. He moved in mid-July so he could get all settled in and work for a bit in the city before school started. I missed having him there with me, to hold me, and show me off, and make me feel... god, I don't even know what he made me feel. Like I existed, I guess.

It was August when I got the news. My dad had to tell me, and immediately I knew what he was going to say. He had the same expression on his face as when he told me that my mom died. Lucas had been gunned down in Seattle, caught in the middle of a fight between two gangs. The whole 'wrong place, wrong time' thing.

I could literally feel my heart breaking. I'd experienced loss when my mother died, but I had been so young that I didn't really understand. Losing the person I loved was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced. It felt like something heavy was on my chest, and I just couldn't get oxygen. My dad nearly had me hospitalized after he told me, my reaction was so intense.

I don't know if it was just the dramatic mind of a 15 year old girl, but I really, truly believed things would never be good again. I would never have someone who loved me and took care of me the way Lucas did. I would be alone forever.

I only went to his funeral because my dad made me go. He said I'd regret it if I missed it, so he called Alice over, got her to force me into a dress, brush the tangles out of my hair, and help him drag me through the doors of the church. Walking through those doors was an intense experience. Suddenly everyone was looking at me. Everyone pitied me. Everyone saw right through me. I was exposed. I wanted to run.

I looked around for anyone who could help me escape. I just couldn't sit in that room while they eulogized the person I honestly believed I would be with forever. I couldn't say goodbye with them, it hurt too much.

My dad and Alice pulled me into a pew, seating me on the inside so I couldn't run away. I was completely trapped in between them and one of Lucas' friends. For a while I just stared at my hands, willing them to distract me from the pain around me, in me. When the reverend stood up to start the ceremony, I felt like I couldn't get a breath, and I began to hyperventilate. It was quite the display, completely ridiculous, and certainly more dramatic than need-be at a funeral. I looked around for an escape, but Alice and my dad were still in my way. I turned to my other side and Lucas' friend, James, was watching me, looking concerned. He reached his hand out to me and tugged me along while he slid out of his side of the pew and through the back door of the church.

We sat together on the church steps for the remainder of the funeral. We didn't say anything, he just let me cry like a little girl on his shoulder. Crying with James seemed less humiliating than with Alice or Dad. He was best friends with Lucas. He would understand my pain better than they ever could.

After the funeral, I began to turn to James more and more. He hadn't gone to college, so he still lived in Forks in a small apartment. He didn't seem to mind me hanging around, in fact, he encouraged it. He said he liked to spend time with someone else who was so close to Lucas.

The only problem with hanging out with James, which I would never tell my dad for fear that he would keep me from seeing him, was the fact that James was a total alcoholic. He had started drinking early, and by midway through senior year he had missed more school than he had attended. He hadn't even applied to college because his minimum wage job could only fund his habit and nothing more. When I went to James' place, there was always an open beer in hand, and a slew of drunken slurs about how much he loved his best friend, and how he would always be there for me.

Despite the addiction, though, I still felt at home with James. I preferred a drunken kindred spirit over someone who couldn't begin to understand my pain. On occasion James and I would just sit there together, getting drunk, wallowing in self pity. It was truly a pathetic scene, but I didn't feel that without Lucas there would be anything else for me. I spent my 16th birthday in James' apartment sharing a two-four, and crying.

I spent weeks like this with James. We got closer and closer, but James knew I would never actually want to _be_ with him. I was in love with his best friend, and 'friends' was all we could ever be. It would be the worst kind of betrayal for anything to ever happen between us. Still, that didn't stop him from occasionally trying to kiss me, or hold me in an embrace a moment longer than he should. It didn't stop him from drunkenly commenting about my body, and the things he would like to do to it. I didn't stop him. I didn't tell him it made me uncomfortable. He was my link to Lucas, I couldn't lose him.

It was late October, two months after Lucas' death, when it all came to a head. I hadn't even been drinking that day, opting to have a soda while James downed some more booze. For some reason, the soda was affecting me in ways I couldn't explain. I felt dizzy, lightheaded, my limbs became unbearably heavy. My recollections became sporadic and lacked detail from that point forward.

I could vaguely recall James picking me up from my spot as a lump on the floor, and bringing me to his bed. I could sort of feel his hands on my body, and the cool breeze wafting across my naked skin, but not with any great clarity. When semi-consciousness returned, James was thrusting into me, painfully, wildly, erratic. I tried to struggle, and he pinned my arms over my head. I tried to bite, and he flipped me over, drilling into me from behind while my face was buried in the pillow. I tried to fight. I tried to scream for help. No one came.

When James finished, he climbed off of me and pushed me off the bed onto the cold hardwood floor of his bedroom.

"Don't come back," he commanded. My head felt in a daze as I, with sloth-like speed and coordination, collected my clothes and pulled myself out of the room.

As I walked out of the front door, I realized it was the middle of the night. I pulled out my cell phone and called 9-1-1. I didn't know what else to do.

The rest of the evening went by in a haze as the yard in which I had collapsed became filled with cop cars and an ambulance. I was taken by stretcher into the ambulance, while a drunken James was escorted by police into a cruiser. My dad followed the ambulance in his squad car. The look on his face broke my heart.

At the hospital I was poked and prodded, checked and rechecked. I felt nothing. The heart stopping pain of Lucas' death had been replaced with an all-encompassing numbness. I found out later that I had been slipped the date-rape drug, and James had taken his opportunity to rape me.

My dad tried to tell me that it would all be okay. That James had been arrested and that he wouldn't rest until justice was served. I didn't feel okay, though. I felt empty, betrayed, used. If the only person who wanted me in this life was an alcoholic predator, would there ever be anyone else who would accept me? Especially now, considering I had been turned into some lunatic's whore.

The next couple of months passed slowly. James was convicted and sentenced to five years in prison. Life returned to normal for everyone except me. The pitying stares I had received because of Lucas had turned to pitying stares because of James. I wasn't 'Bella Swan' anymore, I was that girl who got raped. I was the girl who was stupid, who asked for it. I was the girl who begged for it. I was the slut, who would give it up to anyone, including an old pervert like James.

As the rumours became more and more detailed, I became more and more withdrawn. Alice stood beside me, like an attack dog ready to kill anyone who said an evil word against me. Not even her teeth could keep the scathing remarks from my ears.

_**Present**_

"Things got better, though," I told Edward. He had, thankfully, been silent while I told him my story. I dared not watch his reactions. I didn't want to see the disgust on his face. "Most of sophomore year I was a mess, but I had moved on fairly well by junior year. Alice had finally dragged me out of my hell hole and back to real life. I don't know what I would have done without her.

"In senior year when we started applying to universities, my dad really wanted me to go to the University of Washington. He wanted to keep me close, so he could protect me. Around November of last year, though, we found out that James would be up for early parole in September. When Alice told me she was going to go to Wickham, I used it as an opportunity to get out of Washington. I didn't tell Dad that James had any influence on that decision, because he would have tried to stop me from running away. Hell, if he knew now that I only left to get away from him, he'd probably haul me back with his bare hands."

I stopped and kept my eyes trained on my hands, which were only slightly visible in the dark. The house was silent as no words passed between Edward and myself. I didn't know what he'd say. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Bella..." Edward let his voice trail away. He didn't know what to say. Of course not, how could he? What could you possibly say to someone like me?

"Please don't pity me, Edward," I begged. Pity was an old friend I had no interest in being re-acquainted with, especially not from Edward. I forced myself to look at him, and found him watching me intently. His eyes showed no disgust, but were filled with sadness.

"Pity?" he asked. "Bella, pity if for the pitiful. I don't pity you. I'm sad for you, but you are far too strong and beautiful a women to pity." I was surprised by his statement.

"Thanks," I said in a small voice. Edward reached out to grab my hand, but I pulled it back. "Look, you asked for a reason why we can't be together, and this is it."

"How does this have anything to do with you and me?" His voice was filled with confusion.

"I can't do it. I can't go through what I went through with Lucas again. Losing you would hurt too much. Not mention every guy I've ever trusted has found a way to hurt me."

"What? You think I'll rape you Bella?" He sounded hurt and angry at the insinuation. I shook my head hard.

"Of course not. I know you wouldn't do that. I know you're a good guy. But it's guys like you who have the power to hurt me all the more. It's only a matter of time before you realize that you don't want me. I'm not good for you, Edward. I'm used up. I have nothing to give you."

"How could you say that, Bella?" he growled. "How could you minimize yourself like that? What James did to you... it had nothing to do with who you are. It was about him. Don't give him that power over you." My mouth dropped open.

"How dare you?" I cried. "This isn't about James having power over me. This is about me taking power over myself!"

"You mean the power to hurt yourself before someone else can?" His voice was ringing in my ears. I tried to shake it away.

"You don't understand."

"No, I think I understand perfectly," he spoke firmly. "You're trying to protect yourself. I get it, I understand. But trying to avoid love to keep from getting hurt isn't going to work, it's only going to hurt you more.

"Bella, I get that shit happened to you, but it hasn't made me think any less of you. It's only made realize all the more how strong, and beautiful, and resilient you are. You are _not_ used up. You are good for me. You're the best person I've ever met, and no one can take that from you, especially not some drunk asshole with roofies." He stopped his rant, but I could find no words for rebuttal. I watched him wordlessly as he pulled out of his chair and headed toward the kitchen door, turning back to me.

"You are not used up, Bella. And I'll be here waiting for as long as it takes for you to realize that. I'm not going anywhere."

My mouth lay agape as he disappeared from the room, leaving me alone in the dark. I wasn't sure what surprised me more: that I had actually told him my story, or that he hadn't gone running for the hills upon hearing it.

After a while, I realized that it didn't matter. Edward knew everything now, and it didn't change a thing. He still wanted me. There was only question left: was I ready to give myself to him?

* * *

**A/N: **This was an insanely hard chapter to write. Getting her story right is the most important thing about this entire fic, so hopefully it comes across the way it's meant to.

Two small notes:

1- You'll have to bear with me for the next couple of weeks. I just started a new schedule where I'm working full time and going to school, so I'm very, _very_ tired. I just have to get my bearings and I'll be back in fighting shape to update a little quicker.

2- The Twilight for Haiti fundraiser has been amazing, and I've sold an outtake from my fic "I Hate You with an Insurmountable Passion" to a wonderful reader. That new outtake should be up in the next couple of days, so if you're a fan of that story, keep your eyes peeled! Over at Lion_Lamb on Livejournal we've raised almost $550 for the cause, which is fantastic for just one community. From what I hear, we Twi-fans have raised somewhere in the $30 000 range—take that Twi-haters!

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought.


	11. Chapter 11

**EPOV**

I'd never felt a more violent anger in my life. I'd never wanted to track someone down and hurt them. I'd never wanted to inflict pain.

Hearing Bella tell her story made me want to inflict pain.

It had been nearly impossible to stay silent while she told me about what James had done to her, but I tried my best. I felt like she wasn't even aware of me as she was telling the story. She was lost within the recesses of her mind. I wondered if it was easier for her to speak to me like that, or if it was harder, because she was reliving the events as she spoke of them.

The image of Bella being attacked was something I'd never wanted my mind to conjure up, but once it had been created, it was burned into me. Every time I closed my eyes I pictured it. I couldn't make it go away.

The image I had created of James in my head would have been comical if I didn't relate this person with the monster who had attacked Bella. He was a stereotypical 'bad guy', with large warning scars, missing teeth, dark, dangerous, obvious. I knew that my interpretation was probably nowhere near how he really looked, otherwise he'd never have been able to lure Bella in. She was lonely, upset, depressed, and he was a sick creature who preyed on her weakness.

What's worse was the way he did it. There are two types of predators: the ones who overpower, and the ones who prey on the weak. Neither are admirable people, by any stretch, but it seems just a little more slimy, a little more hideous to be the latter. James was the latter. Not only did he lure Bella into a false sense of security by befriending her at her weakest, but he also used drugs. He date raped her. He date raped her, and then he threw her away like used trash.

No wonder she thought she was used up.

The worst part of the whole story, though, was when she told me that she was used up. I couldn't fathom anything further from the truth, and it caused an ache within me to find that she believed something so ridiculous. Bella was so much more than she thought she was. She was beautiful, smart, funny... she was everything I'd ever wanted, and yet she was so broken.

I tried to close my eyes after going to bed. I tried to make the images go away, but they wouldn't. The image of a sad, lonely young Bella was haunting. The image of a predator preying on her was maddening. It was all too much.

I contemplated that maybe I wasn't in a position to actually help her. I had no right to know this information about her, and I had no means to make it better. I was a weak boy, not anywhere near the man that she needed to help her move past all of this. I had made promises that I wasn't sure I could keep. I had vowed to myself that I would make her see the truth about herself, but I didn't know if I had the capacity to do so.

I _so_ wanted to help her. I _so_ wanted to make her see how wonderful she was. I didn't know how.

I was determined to try, but terrified to fail. Bella had said that I had the capacity to hurt her more than anyone, and I was beginning to understand what she meant. Every man she put her trust in failed her in some way. Not that I could blame her boyfriend for dying, obviously it wasn't his fault, but he had left her so painfully broken. It was difficult to listen to her talk about Lucas. It hurt me to know that she had been so in love with someone. I knew it was ridiculous, everyone has a past, but it still caused an ache in my chest.

Of course, after the tragedy with Lucas, she trusted James. No one, I was sure, could ever fail someone more than the way James failed Bella. She had been reliant on him for support, to help her, to understand her pain. He used her pain in the most hideous way. I knew that if I ever had the misfortune of coming face to face with James, I would find it difficult to keep from killing him.

So Bella's fears were founded. She was right. I had the capacity to hurt her. God knows, I would never _want_ to hurt her. I would do everything in my power to avoid hurting her. I would do anything for her.

But being with Bella would leave me in constant fear of making even the smallest mistake. The smallest misstep could send our shaky house of cards tumbling. A wrong touch, a wrong comment—it could destroy everything. Was I ready to take on that responsibility?

And then there was the issue of Bella's comfort with me. Would I ever be able to touch her without her cringing away? It broke my heart a little every time she tensed when I was near. How could I handle it if we were to embark on a relationship, and yet she would never let me touch her. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to be close to her, and make her feel good, and have her make me feel good. I was afraid that those things may never happen between us. Had James literally taken away her entire sexual self? Could she ever go that far with a man without feeling fear or pain?

I wondered, would I be okay with that?

I wanted to believe that I could be good for Bella, that I could be everything she needed, but what if what she needed was in conflict with that I needed? Everyone has to have their basic needs met. I needed companionship, love, closeness. I needed to know that I would feel a woman with me, on me, around me. I needed to know that someday I would be skin to skin with the woman I loved, and that I could make love with her, and be hers completely. Would that ever be possible with Bella?

It sounds so pathetic to say, "I need sex!" It brings up the whole horny male stereotype of only having one thing on our minds, as though we can't possibly live without it. I know I _could_ live without it, but that life, for me, would be so unfulfilling. I already knew the euphoria of sex. I knew for certain that I would not be able to go without it forever, especially if I was in a relationship with such a beautiful, desirable woman like Bella. We weren't together, and just being near her made me want her. Just her scent gave me an instant hard-on—it would be impossible for me to deny those urges forever.

But I couldn't be with Bella like that if I wasn't sure she was happy about it. Knowing Bella, I believed that she would eventually give it to me, but would she only be doing it for me? Would she enjoy it at all? Or would she be left waiting for me to get it over with, and stop torturing her with the reminders. Would she resent me for it? I was fearful of the answers to those questions.

I sighed deeply, unable to cope with the questions coursing through my mind. What had seemed so sure short hours earlier now totally confused me. Bella's problems were miles beyond anything I had imagined, and I honestly did not know how to make them right.

I decided I would start small. The one thing I did know was that Bella felt used up, and I would make sure that her mind was changed on that account. I wanted to prove to her how much she had left to give. I wanted to prove to her that she was so incredibly desirable—though I wasn't sure how to accomplish that, exactly. The only way I really knew to prove someone's desirability was to make a move, and I was pretty sure that Bella would have a problem with that.

Not to say I hadn't considered it before knowing the truth. On many occasions I'd considered that maybe if I just went up to her bedroom and made the move, she would be in my arms. Maybe she just needed me to be more forward rather than holding back and taking my time the way I had been.

Thank God I hadn't given into those particular urges. Bella probably wouldn't have ever spoken to me again if I just popped up in her room one night. I shuddered at the possible consequences to that.

I opened my eyes and turned to look at the clock. It was nearing 4AM, and technically I had class in the morning, though I was quite sure that was out of the question considering the night I'd had. Alice would probably try to drag me out of bed to come to Business with her, but I really wasn't interested in a 9AM class, unless it involved nap time.

I was beyond tired. I wanted to sleep. My deprived body begged for sleep. My traitor brain refused to let it happen. I wondered if Bella was slumbering peacefully. I wondered if she was happy that she got her story off her chest, or if she resented me for forcing it out of her.

I bit my lip. I had been quite forceful with her earlier that evening. I'd invaded her personal space and made demands. Now, knowing more about her, that seemed terribly inappropriate of me. Logically, I had no way of knowing, but I still felt bad about it.

But then I considered what had happened after I'd shown a little more force. Only a few short hours later, Bella had opened up to me completely. She let me in on her secret. She trusted me with that knowledge that she had held so close to her chest for years. How could it be that showing a girl like Bella more force would actually have positive results? Shouldn't it be the opposite?

The inner-workings of Bella Swan's mind confounded me.

Only one thing was certain: she had confided in me, and despite my many fears, I would _not_ fail her.

**BPOV**

_Her heart raced as his eyes bore into her. She couldn't control her breathing, it was coming in huffs and puffs, not a single draw of air bringing enough oxygen into her lungs. His very presence forced her to cower in fear, respect, awe, but most of all, he made her feel tall, open, alive. It was all too much, all too contradictory. She couldn't get a hold of herself. She was lost in him the moment she laid eyes on him. Or, perhaps she became lost when he laid eyes on her. When he claimed her._

_Sitting there under his studious gaze left her feeling conflicted. She was weak but strong, small but large, exposed but concealed, in danger but safer than she'd ever been. She couldn't understand the emotions hiding behind his green eyes. He seemed harmless, but could he be? Could he really want what was best for her? He couldn't, could he? He wanted to hurt her. He had to. He was a man, a predator. He wasn't to be trusted._

_But—God help her—she trusted him._

I threw down my pen with a huff. I didn't like to write about myself. I liked to get lost in another world, one where the problems that seeped into my life wouldn't exist. But there I was, alone at 4AM in my dimly-lit room, writing like a fiend about the way I was _feeling_. The mere thought of it made me want to wretch. It was much too similar to the exercises my therapist had forced me to do after the incident with James.

_Write what you feel, Bella. _

_It can clear things up for you, Bella._

_Don't hold it all inside, Bella._

_Bella, Bella, Bella..._

Fuck.

I hated it when my therapist was right.

I looked back at the page now filled with my clumsily scrawled words and re-read the text over and over and over, realizing after several read-through's it always said the same thing loud and clear. It always gave me the same message. It always screamed that Edward was _not_ a predator. He would_ not_ hurt me, though he had the capacity to do so with extreme consequences. It was absolutely terrifying to see that truth in my own words.

I tossed my notebook away, hoping the feelings I wrote inside would be tossed away with it. I knew the truth in my own words, it was the truth in my heart, but it conflicted greatly with the truth in my mind.

Alice had always said my mind was my greatest enemy. She encouraged me to stop thinking whenever I was around a mildly attractive guy—I'd never listed. The last time I stopped thinking and just let myself feel was when I gave James the power and opportunity to attack me. I couldn't shut my mind down, not even with Edward.

I clicked off my lamp and tried to close my eyes, but sleep wasn't coming. Every time my eyes drifted shut I was bombarded with images of Edward. Not that I could really complain about seeing Edward in my mind's eye, but he was incredibly distracting. It wasn't so much because the images were of Edward per say, but more so because of what he was doing in them. He was kissing me, touching me, making me feel things that I'd never really felt before—not even with Lucas.

My relationship with Lucas had been great, but after years of reflection, I could see that it was very much a young teen relationship. We were in high school, and I was only a child at the time. I'd had an innocent relationship with him. It was special, and I loved him to the hilt of my 15-year old understanding of love, but having had time to look back, it was clear that our relationship was not one for the ages.

I was thankful for Lucas, though, because he opened up that part of me. He made me feel special before everything went to hell. I can't imagine how I would have been able to cope with the James incident had I not been made to feel special before that. I would have just been someone's trash, rather than someone else's treasure. I had no doubt that Lucas had treasured me. He had proven himself.

Edward was proving himself, too.

I let out a long, slow breath before flicking my light back on, pulling myself out of bed, and retrieving my notebook. I settled back onto my bed and grabbed my pen again, turning to where I'd left off.

_She trusted him, and she couldn't help it. He'd proven himself to her time and again, and he had earned her trust in a way that no one else really had. He'd worked for it, even when he didn't understand the demons that kept her from him, even when he didn't know why he had to work. He was unfailingly supportive, beautiful, wonderful to her. She'd turned him away on more occasions than she could count, and yet he constantly came back to her to prove himself once more. _

_And yet when his eyes bore into her, that one part of her would always scream, "DANGER." Her heart would beat faster, not because of his beauty, but because of instinctual fear. How could she move past those demons that kept her so tightly bound? How could she let him in if she was terrified to let him touch her?_

_She looked to him, forcing herself to meet his gaze. In his eyes was promise, not threat. He was open to her, willing, and he understood._

_He'd told her she wasn't used up._

_She'd been told that before—it had never resonated until it left his lips._

_She wasn't used up. _

_She was used, but there was more left of her to give. She wasn't used up. She wasn't. _

_She couldn't see his soul reflected in his eyes, like they said you should be able to. Instead, she saw herself reflected back. Her image, which in the mirror had looked haggard and pathetic, looked beautiful in his deep greens. She saw herself the way he saw her. He thought she was just about perfect, despite knowing her deepest secrets._

_He'd told her she wasn't used up. She was ready to believe him._

**EPOV**

Sometime during the night I had drifted off, but it was a fitful sleep. I awoke to a rapping at my door at 8:30.

"Go away, Alice," I grumbled. I knew she would come to drag me to class, but I was bound and determined to stay in bed until noon at the earliest.

"Can I come in for a sec?" her melodic voice grated at my nerves. I growled.

"I'm not going to class. Leave me alone." I heard some shuffling before the door swung open and that damn pixie traipsed in, wide awake, smiling, bouncing. Her disposition should have been grounds for a witch trial. "I said I'm not going," I grumbled once more, turning my head to bury it in the pillow.

"Yea, yea. I'm not your mother, Edward. I just came to give you this." I peeked out from my pillow and saw her holding a few folded sheets of notebook paper out to me.

"What is it?" my voice was heavy with sleep. Alice shrugged, but I could see the smile peeking onto her face.

"It's from Bella," she said, not even trying to cover up her smile. Stricken by curiosity, I opened one hand and she placed the paper in my palm.

"You read it?" I asked, knowing the answer without having to ask. She rolled her eyes with a dramatic sigh.

"Ugh, Edward," she whined. "Passing notes is so junior high. If she didn't want me to read it, she could have just given it to you herself." I glanced at the paper, but my sleepiness blurred the words.

"What does it say?" I asked. She shook her head in admonishment.

"No, no, Eddie, my friend. You'll just have to read it yourself." She traipsed back to the door, and then giggled—only Alice could giggle without sounding like douchebag. "I'm _really_ happy for you guys." With that, she made her escape, pulling the door shut behind her.

I regarded the door for another moment before turning back to the piece of paper in my hand. As much as I desperately wanted to fall back asleep, the pieces of paper in my hand called to me. With a groan, I pulled myself up into a seated position, and unfolded the pages, reading Bella's words.

* * *

**A/N**: Hey, we're getting somewhere! I felt like it was important to prove, for a change, that Edward is still a red-blooded male. He thinks about things! We all do. And I thought it was important for him to have a profound moment of doubt about his ability to help Bella—she's got a _lot_ of baggage, and that's quite the undertaking for a 19 year old guy.

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading guys :)

Christie


	12. Chapter 12

**BPOV**

The choice to give Edward what I'd written was not a decision I came to easily. I fought with it between the hours of 4 and 8, completely unable to come to a firm conclusion. Did I really want to let him see this side of me? Was I able to open myself up so completely? I'd already bared myself to him by telling him my story, could I handle letting him in even deeper?

I went back and forth more times than I could count. I wanted to tell him all of this, but I knew that in the moment I would never find the words. I wanted him, but I was scared. I wanted to show him how I felt, but I could barely gain the courage to knock on his door. I wanted more with him, and that terrified me.

Inviting Edward into my life was a huge risk. I'd perfected the art of taking as few risks as possible since Lucas and James, and I fought with my irrefutable knowledge that Edward was worth the risk. I wanted just one piece of him to turn me off. I wanted him to make some sort of unforgivable mistake that would justify my knee-jerk reaction to stay the fuck away from him.

But he never made those mistakes. Just to be a pain in my ass, he was probably the most well-intentioned person I'd ever met, and it made me war with myself. In my ear I could hear Alice telling me how great Edward was, and how perfect he was for me, and how much he cared, and I hated it when my inner Alice (or, my shoulder devil) was right.

I read over what I'd written dozens of times, and tried my best to perfect what I was trying to say to Edward. Yes, despite myself, I was willing to try. I was willing to give up the delusions that I wasn't worthy (although I still wasn't sure they were delusions at all). I was willing to give him a shot, and pray he could help me out of my own mind. Maybe he could re-introduce me to the real world, where not every man wanted to hurt me. Maybe he could show me the kind of love I had dreamed about with Lucas—the physical, romantic love. Maybe he could de-criminalize sex for me.

Ahh, but there's the rub. Sex. Was I ready to have sex?

Of course, Edward probably didn't expect sex right away, but it would stand to reason that he'd be interested in getting there at some point. I wanted to want sex, like any normal human being. I wanted to want his hands on me, making me feel good. I _wanted_ it so fucking much.

And yet, I didn't want it at all. Not really. I could fantasize about what real, romantic sex would feel like, but I couldn't imagine a time when I would actually want it done to me. _With me._ I would also have to find a way to de-train myself out of that nasty habit. Romance is not done 'to' someone, it's 'with' someone. Anything Edward would do would be done _with_ me. I would be a willing and interested participant.

That seemed liked a foreign concept to me.

That's not to say I wasn't tremendously attracted to Edward. In my mind, the small part that remained a normal girl, I could see how attractive he was and even let it turn me on. Unfortunately, the part of my mind that was dominant still fought against the idea of ever having sex.

Alice pontificated about the wonders of 'making love', as she liked to call it. She'd had sex before Jasper, but I guess this whole lovemaking thing was new to her since meeting him. She loved and wanted him. She described it, in her typical, over-dramatic way, as a spiritual experience. The coming together of two souls... all that crap. I couldn't really imagine what she was describing. It sounded wonderful, but it required a serious overhaul of my current mindset.

I couldn't help but hope Edward would be capable of performing that particular overhaul.

I sucked in a deep, long breath and exhaled slowly, attempting to cleanse myself of my inhibitions. It didn't really work, but it did give me the kick to get off my butt and go give the paper to Edward.

I pulled myself up from my bed, my sleep-deprived bones cracking and protesting as I stretched. I nervously folded the papers over and over in my hands as I slowly trekked to my door. Opening it, I stepped out into the hallway, and turned to face the stairs that suddenly seemed like impending doom.

I took one step, and stopped. My poor lip began to protest as I bit down a little too hard.

They say visualizing is the first step in doing, so I tried to visualize myself going down the stairs and handing the paper to Edward.

Well... maybe not handing it to him. Maybe just slipping it under his door.

Or just kind of... placing it on the floor outside his door, knocking, and running.

No, I couldn't knock. He could always just find it there when he woke up.

One step forward, two steps back.

I regarded the paper in my hand, fiddling with it nervously. Inside my own little world, I was startled when Alice's door swung open and she came out, dressed and ready for class.

"Fuck!" I gasped, taking an involuntary step back. I'd been so caught up in my stupid piece of paper that I was completely unaware of everything else around me. Alice raised an eyebrow, regarding me with her patented, _You're not really wearing that, are you? _look.

"What?" she asked, giving me the once-over. "You look like death." I rolled my eyes. I was not in the mood for Alice after a long, sleepless night. Alice was too spry in the morning. It wasn't normal.

"Thanks," I mumbled, attempting to regain my bearings and step past her. She stepped back to let me by, clearly noting my generally cranky disposition.

As I brushed by her, I stopped in my tracks. _Alice_ had no problem waking people up. _Alice_ enjoyed knocking on doors. _Alice_ was Edward and Bella's number one fan. I turned back to her.

"Hey buddy," I said, plastering a horrendously fake smile on my face. Alice rolled her eyes, fighting a small grin.

"What do you want?"

"I need a little favour," I said, holding my thumb and forefinger an inch apart. "Just a teensy one."

"I gathered that," she said with laughter in her voice. I thrust the paper out at her.

"Can you give this to Edward for me?" I asked. She regarded the paper for a moment before taking it.

"Why can't you do it?" I shrugged with as much false nonchalance as I could muster.

"Don't wanna?" I said, though it came out more as a question. Alice, master at reading my painfully obvious signals, offered a small nod.

"Yea, sure." I let a small, relieved smile come across my face. Thank goodness for Alice. "You know I'm going to read it though, right?" My smile faltered. Of course she would.

I didn't want to give it to Edward myself, though, so I just offered a nod and escaped back to my room.

Alice was both a blessing and a curse.

**EPOV**

Morbid curiosity forced me to open my eyes and read what Bella had written. I was sure it would be another attempt to throw me off, and after learning about everything that had happened to her, I wasn't completely sure if I was going to keep pursuing her if she asked me to back off. I felt terrible being pushy with Bella after all she had been through. If there was anything that girl deserved it was a little respect from men.

Through my bleary-eyed vision, I read the first paragraph with a feeling of nervous anticipation welling in my stomach.

_**Her heart raced as his eyes bore into her. She couldn't control her breathing, it was coming in huffs and puffs, not a single draw of air bringing enough oxygen into her lungs. His very presence forced her to cower in fear, respect, awe, but most of all, he made her feel tall, open, alive. It was all too much, all too contradictory. She couldn't get a hold of herself. She was lost in him the moment she laid eyes on him. Or, perhaps she became lost when he laid eyes on her. When he claimed her.**_

I had to read it several times before I could come to terms with what I was seeing. When I _claimed_ her? I had been under the impression that the only person claimed in our convoluted relationship was me.

It was the first time Bella admitted to feeling any sort of attraction to me.

My stomach did not let up.

_**Sitting there under his studious gaze left her feeling conflicted. **_

_**She was weak but strong**_

You're the strongest person I've ever met.

_**Small but large**_

Brilliant, and a force to be reckoned with.

_**Exposed but concealed**_

More beautiful than you can ever imagine.

_**In danger but safer than she'd ever been**_

I'll keep you safe. I promise.

_**She couldn't understand the emotions hiding behind his green eyes. He seemed harmless, but could he be? Could he really want what was best for her? He couldn't, could he? He wanted to hurt her. He had to. He was a man, a predator. He wasn't to be trusted.**_

I bit my lip. I didn't want to read on. I could see where this was going, and it was nowhere good. My own lack of self preservation forced my eyes to the next line.

_**But—God help her—she trusted him.**_

What?

I read the line once more. She did? She trusted me?

I swallowed back the lump in my throat. I wasn't sure what this could mean for us.

I thought back to our conversation the night before. It made sense that she would only share this with someone she trusted, but it still seemed so hard to believe. The way she acted around me suggested anything but trust, and even less comfort. Of course, her letter—story—whatever—didn't say that she was comfortable with me. Actually, it suggested quite the opposite. I made her feel conflicted, decidedly uncomfortable.

But she trusted me.

I was even more confused than I had been when I started reading.

I tucked the page behind the next and began to read the rest.

_**She trusted him, and she couldn't help it. He'd proven himself to her time and again, and he had earned her trust in a way that no one else really had. He'd worked for it, even when he didn't understand the demons that kept her from him, even when he didn't know why he had to work. He was unfailingly supportive, beautiful, wonderful to her. She'd turned him away on more occasions than she could count, and yet he constantly came back to her to prove himself once more. **_

She liked that? I thought I was driving her nuts by being so persistent. She certainly hadn't shown me at any point that she liked that I did that.

Bella was a confusing creature. She was probably the most guarded person I'd ever met, and rarely said what she meant. She spoke in riddles, making it nearly impossible for me to get any sort of grasp on her true feelings. I thought I could read her body language, and indeed, it seemed likely that I could, but her words? Her words were like another language to me. I couldn't make heads or tails of the majority of what she said, or didn't say, no matter how much I wanted to.

It seemed like everything I thought I knew about Bella had changed overnight.

I took a deep breath, preparing to read the rest of the letter.

_**And yet when his eyes bore into her, that one part of her would always scream, "DANGER." Her heart would beat faster, not because of his beauty, but because of instinctual fear. How could she move past those demons that kept her so tightly bound? How could she let him in if she was terrified to let him touch her?**_

_**She looked to him, forcing herself to meet his gaze. In his eyes was promise, not threat. He was open to her, willing, and he understood.**_

_**He'd told her she wasn't used up.**_

_**She'd been told that before—it had never resonated until it left his lips.**_

_**She wasn't used up. **_

_**She was used, but there was more left of her to give. She wasn't used up. She wasn't. **_

_**She couldn't see his soul reflected in his eyes, like they said you should be able to. Instead, she saw herself reflected back. Her image, which in the mirror had looked haggard and pathetic, looked beautiful in his deep greens. She saw herself the way he saw her. He thought she was just about perfect, despite knowing her deepest secrets.**_

_**He'd told her she wasn't used up. She was ready to believe him.  
**_

I stared at the words for what could have been hours. They made no sense to me if I considered the person writing them as the Bella I'd known for two months. And yet, they made perfect sense. They were the words of the woman I'd met the night before in the kitchen. They were the words of a girl who had been through so much, and had never really gotten over it.

This was Bella. That other girl, the one I thought I knew, was just an illusion.

Bella was even better.

I wasn't sure where to go from here.

On the one hand, I wanted to run upstairs and talk to Bella. I wanted to tell her that I would be there for her, hold her hand, be everything she needed me to be until she was ready to be more. On the other hand, I was terrified that I would take that step and she would realize that what she had written was wrong. She didn't want to be with me. She didn't want me in her life at all.

The problem with such a conflicted girl like Bella was that you didn't know for certain which direction she would go at any given time. She could easily have reconsidered what she'd written in the time it took me to read it.

I hoped that wasn't the case, but I wasn't totally convinced.

I folded the papers back up the way they had been given to me, following the creases already imprinted on the pages. It took five folds for the paper to look like it had when it landed in my hands, but somehow, even with identical folds, it looked so different to me. It wasn't just paper, or just a note, it was a message. It was an invitation. It was Bella.

I thought back to the conclusion I'd come to the night before. I would not fail Bella. I would be there for her through whatever she needed. This letter was an invitation for me to do just that. Bella _wanted_ me to do that.

I pulled myself out of bed, threw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt, and bounded out the door and up the stairs.

I had to brace myself to knock on the door. With all of the new knowledge I had about the girl behind the door, I knew that this conversation would be vastly different from all others. We were not going to politely tip-toe around our attraction anymore. This was it. This was the moment that would define our relationship.

I really wished I'd brushed my teeth, or at least tried to drag a comb through my hair.

Maybe I should have worn that red shirt that Bella seemed to like.

I really should have eaten something. My stomach was starting to growl.

Maybe I should just come back later.

I shook my head, willing away the desire to run and hide. This was not something I could run from, or even wanted to run from. Bella was here now, and so was I, and we were going to have this conversation.

I took one more moment to ground myself before raising my hand and knocking soundly on the door.

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you liked it. Let me know :)

Christie


	13. Chapter 13

**BPOV**

I tried to sleep after giving the letter to Alice, but my over-tired brain had gone past the state of exhaustion into hyperactivity—the kind you get when you've been up for so long that you barely feel tired anymore.

Of course, if it wasn't my hyperactive brain keeping me up, it would be the endless fluttering of butterflies in my stomach, making with queasy with nervous anticipation.

I knew I had to let Edward in on those thoughts after about the twelfth time reading through them. Every time I read the words they became truer and truer, and around 4:30am I realized I couldn't continue on another day with my charade. I really, really cared about Edward, and he'd proven many times that he cared about me. Something about his very presence assured me that if I were to try again with anyone, it should be him. He had an amazing capacity to surprise me every day with his sincerity and genuine acceptance of my flaws. He was persistent, but not annoying. He had the kind of drive necessary to make something work with me, because I knew perfectly well that I was _not_ an easy girl to date. Maybe I had been once, when Lucas was with me and things were simple, but things weren't simple anymore. Edward could deal with my version of complicated.

I knew it would be a struggle for me to be open with him and let him in, but I felt oddly self-assured after nearly 24 hours of wakefulness that I could manage it. Maybe it was delirium talking, but when I gave that letter to Alice I almost felt confident—the sort of confident one feels after a few too many drinks in a bar, maybe—but confident nevertheless.

But after falling back into bed and closing my eyes, that confidence melted into a puddle of goo, and all I was left with were those damned butterflies.

I settled for pulling out my most tattered copy of Pride and Prejudice and got lost in the tales of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. Their love story was a different kind of complicated, but complicated nevertheless. At least the only person standing in my way was myself, not the expectations of those around me. I even had the support of my friends to help me through it, and the sincere knowledge that my Darcy, Edward, truly cared.

I suppose I wasn't so much like Elizabeth, but it comforted me to know that she made it, anyway.

My reading was interrupted by a sudden, loud knock at my bedroom door, which caused me to jump easily a foot off the mattress. I knew everyone was in class except Edward—his very presence radiated through the door, and I felt a small surge of excitement at the knowledge that he was right there, just a few feet away.

It exhilarated me that his presence made me happy. This was most definitely a step in the right direction.

"Come in," I called. Despite my state of hyper-exhaustion, my voice was meek, and sleep filled. I could almost pass for someone who had gotten a wink or two. In response to my invitation, the door creaked open and a dishevelled looking Edward stepped in, closing the door behind him.

"Hey," he greeted—he sounded even more tired than I did.

"Morning." I tried to sound cheerful, but a frog was lodged in my throat giving me a croak that could rival a chain-smoker. Edward's gaze briefly scanned the room, settled on me for a moment, and then went to my bed. In a few short steps he crossed the room and sat down.

He looked nervous; perhaps more nervous than I'd ever seen him before. He'd always displayed a seemingly unshakable confidence, but somehow knowing my secret had changed him. He didn't touch me. He didn't even sit near me. It seemed like he was trying to respect my personal space, but really, all it did was make me feel like a leper. Why didn't he want to touch me anymore?

But of course I couldn't really complain about the distance. Distance was what I'd demanded of him for months, and now, when I was finally ready to let him in, he decided distance was exactly what I needed. I really couldn't wrap my head around him.

"I read your letter. Or, story. You know." Edward didn't stutter normally. Nor did he have trouble with word choice. He confounded me that morning.

"What'd you think?" He bit his lip. The gesture seemed misplaced on his features. He was normally composed. He shifted a bit in his seat. I imagined that if I could hear his thoughts I would be bombarded with a million different layers, each proclaiming something different. He wants me. He doesn't want me. He loves me. He loves me not. He's decided I'm too much trouble. He's willing to take that risk.

"I really want to believe that you're ready to give this a shot." His voice cracked. He raised his eyes from their seemingly permanent spot on the floor and looked at me squarely in the eyes for the first time since entering the room. "I want to believe you want me too."

I'd been waiting for this moment. Preparing it in my head. I could do it. I would do it. I had to do it.

I scooched over on the bed, closing the gap minutely, and reached my hand over to rest it on his. He reflexively turned his hand over and squeezed mine. It was more reassuring than I thought it would be. His hand was warm from being clenched, maybe a little damp with sweat, but it felt safe, comforting. My small hand fit quite nicely in his palm. His fingers closed around my hand, encasing it. This feeling of being encompassed by Edward, even if it was just my hand, was nice. Unexpected.

"I do want you," I whispered, my eyes still glued to our entwined hands. He squeezed lightly.

"You do?" I imagine he had some look of surprise on his face, but I couldn't tear my eyes from our hands. I squeezed his back, just to see how it felt. I kind of liked it. I raised my eyes back to his deep greens and felt sure of myself as a smile--unforced, I might add--graced my tired features.

"I do."

**EPOV**

Bella's hand was so soft in mine it took a certain amount of concentration to keep from resting it on my cheek. I could have fallen asleep in the pillow of her palm if she'd let me, but I doubted that I should even be considering sleep at this most important part of our relationship development.

I watched her lips move, but barely registered the words as she responded to my question. Her voice was so soft I could barely hear it, but there was a surety about it that forced a smile onto my face. She watched me consider her statement with the most sincere smile I think I'd ever seen her wear. It made me feel full, like my chest was somehow expanding. A sound escaped my lips unbidden, it was a cross between a cry and a laugh—either way, it was the sound of pure joy.

"You're sure?" She nodded once more, a giggle escaping her.

"I'm sure!" she exclaimed, shoving me a little with her arm. I guess my reaction was a little goofy, but I couldn't help it—she was blowing my mind with every word she said. It felt in that moment like all of the crap that had led up to it, the last two months of fighting, had never happened. _This was Bella_. This smiling, laughing, beautiful girl was Bella—and she was mine.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so weird about this," I said, shaking my head in an attempt to clear it. I turned back to her. "I just can't believe this is actually happening." She laughed once more and offered me an exaggerated eye roll.

"Well, I can understand your excitement—I am quite a catch." She completed the sentence by sticking her tongue out at me. It was a relief and a wonder to see that Bella was so silly now that it was all out on the table. This thing with Bella, it could really work. It wouldn't all be drama and painful memories; she was a fun girl with so much more to offer than that. I was amazed to see that she knew that as well as I did.

I dislodged my right hand from her left and wrapped it around her shoulder, pulling her into me. I just had to hold her for a moment. At first she stiffened, but it dissipated quickly. I soon felt her melt into me before obviously sniffing my shirt as she rested her head against my chest (once again, I wished I had considered deodorant). I wrapped my other arm around her and her small hands clung to my shirt. Holding her there—nothing had ever felt so right. Our bodies fit each other, her small form melded into my larger one effortlessly.

"You are a catch, you know," I mumbled into her hair. I felt her chuckle against me.

"Like a venereal disease?" she retorted. I laughed lightly.

"Maybe—if that means you'll be a thorn in my side forever." She pulled away from me slowly, and I tensed, assuming I had said something wrong. To the contrary, though, a smile was still a permanent fixture on her face when it came back into view.

"Herpes?" I laughed.

"Naw, something much more nagging. Maybe crabs." She made a face, and looked like she was about to come back at me with a retort, but whatever she planned to say was cut off by a yawn. "Did you sleep at all?" I asked. She shook her head, stifling another yawn with the back of her hand.

"I couldn't," she said, scooting to the top of the bed and laying down with her head on the pillow.

"I guess I should let you sleep," I said, not really fighting my look of distaste. I didn't want to leave. She patted the space next to her, between her and the wall. "You sure?" She nodded with a small smile.

I couldn't fight my body's response of flopping down unceremoniously next to her. I planned to keep my hands to myself, but was overjoyed when she snuggled in next to me, resting her head on my shoulder and draping her arm across my middle. I'd never been more comfortable than I was at that moment—and sleep had never come more quickly.

* * *

**A/N**: I fail at chapters right now. I know this is super short, but I just want to get this scene out of the way so I can move on. Hopefully it won't be too long before I can update again.

I will make one promise, though—this isn't one of those stories where something happens and then they break up and have to find their way back together.. blah blah blah—this is one of those stories where the hard part for _them_ is over— But worry not, there is much more story left to come.

Let me know what you thought.

Christie


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